Just Do It!

I am in the process of forcing myself to do things I sincerely have no desire to do. It's horrible and I hate it. I realize that I have been doing this for most of my adult life. Go to work, cook dinner, do the laundry, be polite, set a good example, eat my vegetables. Ew, peas. Remember trying to force yourself to eat vegetables you didn't want to eat when you were a kid? For me, eating peas resulted in crying, gagging, choking and in a few rare instances actual vomiting. Of course, this was the preferable choice as the other was getting punished (spanked) by mom or dad. I find I still have the same response to forced behavior -- crying, gagging, choking, vomiting.

It's exhausting! Part of my energy is going toward the activity (such as cleaning the bathroom), but an even larger part of my energy is spent resisting and resenting the activity! It's tiring. The resisting and resenting shows up in so many ways: procrastination, diversions like TV and computer, anger and depression. In contrast, when I do something I love I'm engaged and happy which results in joy, creativity and productivity.

So, the question. How do I just do it? I actually typed this question into Google. (man I love google) Here is what I have determined:

• First, I need to realize I will be happier in the long run if I just do the dreaded task. Having these things hanging over my head makes me feel drained and uneasy.

• Take it one day at a time. It might be one hour or one minute depending on the task. When I quit smoking there were days that definitely had that one minute at a time feel.

• Forgive yourself. When you fall off the horse, and most people will, you will jump back on quicker if you forgive yourself. Self talk is good. Self talk that offers forgiveness is awesome! "Michelle, it's ok. You knew this would be hard and it's okay to have a few setbacks. You can do it but only if you keep trying."

• Don't fear failure. Redefine it as feedback. Michael Jordan said (don't pass out because I am quoting a sports figure),

  "I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”

• Make yourself accountable. Not always possible but this may be the best idea for me since the only thing I hate more than failing is for you to know that I failed. Tell a partner, friend, mother or sibling what your plans are and ask them to hold you accountable.

• Fake it til you make it! Yes! I found this by googling. Love it! If I don't feel enthusiastic about my task then I need to fake it. Check.

• Do something you love while you're doing something you dread. For me, this equals a lot of music and a lot of dancing! Um, except at certain times of the month then it equals a lot of chips and salsa. Ahem.

Of course, this isn't a complete list but just a few tools for my arsenal. So, I am trying to work on my priorities since I feel like they are screwed up at the moment and hurting people who are closest to my heart. I'm asking you to hold me accountable. Ask me how it's going sometime and if I say "fine" you need to probe deeper.

One final tip I learned quite a while ago (before google!) ....ranch dressing makes peas go down much easier. :-)

5 Stages of Forgiveness

Recently I have been studying prayer specifically a devotional following the Lord's Prayer. Today I was contemplating, “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us” and had the realization that I hope God forgives me more readily than I forgive others.

As a Christian, I believe I have an obligation to forgive. In addition, I feel as though we should forgive as Jesus modeled for us in the gospels. In Matthew 18, Jesus tells Peter that he must forgive not seven but seventy times seven the brother who sins against him. Also, with Jesus, forgiveness is given instantly. In Luke 23:34, as he hung on the cross, Jesus said, “Father, forgive them…” His forgiveness of his executioners was immediate.

I am hesitant to admit that I do not offer forgiveness using this example. In fact, I feel like I frequently do the opposite. My first instinct is more like nursing a grudge, or getting sweet revenge, or spreading malicious gossip. Rarely is my first response to heap loving kindness on my offender. Christian or not, the call to forgiveness can be daunting.


When I feel hurt, rejected, or betrayed I don’t rush headlong into grace. For me, forgiveness is rarely one magnanimous gesture. Instead it rolls out in stages over time and looks a little something like this:

• Renouncing my Christianity – vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord??? Screw that…you’re going DOWN!!!
• Second guessing – and third and fourth and fifth. This is where I replay events over and over in my mind almost to the point of losing my sanity. I replay every nuance of the given situation, consider the tonal qualities of my offender’s voice and the resulting double entendre of their words, facial tics, stance, placement of hands…were their arms crossed, hands on the hips, gesturing wildly….you get the idea. This stage can last many weeks and is usually not conducive to working out forgiveness in my heart.
• Social amnesia – aka passive aggressive retribution. Women are really good at this and also really stupid about it. If I fight with my husband and then pretend like he doesn’t exist while I huff around the house throwing imaginary daggers at his back…he’s happy as a lark. He’s off the hook and can watch football uninterrupted, of course, because I am “ignoring” him. Women on the other hand don’t cherish the reprieve. They think to themselves – or say out loud to the closest warm body - ”that b*tch thinks she can ignore me!? Well….” usually followed by a description of her plans for retribution. This can often times turn into a vicious cycle of dramatic efforts to obtain one upmanship. Since I have recently been told I am competitive, I think I can admit that I strive for excellence in this arena.

At this point, I have probably spent the better part of a month with the drama consuming my waking moments. I’m tired and I’m over it. This is when I am able to move to the final stages of grace and forgiveness.

• Acknowledged Superiority – This refers to the realization that I am definitely the bigger person here and will just have to lower my standards to remain in friendship with you. You’re welcome.
• Reclamation – I’ve finally let it go cuz it takes just too much effort to hold on to it but I’m not gonna call it lazy and instead call it forgiveness therefore I can reclaim my status as a Christian who offers grace and forgiveness. Amen.
  
  

I say all this (partly) in jest because I know I need work in this area of my life. I am trying to make grace and forgiveness a focus in my spiritual walk. For now, I am far and away from Jesus’ example but I hope with prayer and petition, God will bring me closer to His will for me.

Comfort Deposits

I think sometimes the fact that I may need comfort is overlooked by the people around me. I'm the mom after all I am supposed to be doing the comforting, right? Once, a counselor spoke to me about thinking of my emotions as a bank. If people are making withdrawals, then I have to be conscious of balancing it out with deposits. In my life, people are constantly making withdrawals but today I had many deposits made into my account and I am so grateful. It also got me thinking about where my deposits generally come from and whether I can control these deposits or if I am reliant on others for their deposits into my emotional bank. So here is the short list of comfort measures I deem necessary for my bank:

FOOD

There is food and then there is comfort food. I know my favorites. First is Beef & Noodles over mashed potatoes with a dollop of butter for good measure. The second is a tie between cinnamon toast and graham crackers with butter. The key to comfort food is that it is nourishing food served in a nurturing environment. Nearly everyone has a comfort food with the definition of "my mom used to make it when I was a kid". For me that is mom's beef & noodles. Also, most have a "this is what I always have when I am sick" comfort food. My grandma always gave us graham crackers with butter when we would be home sick from school with her. I'm not sure if there was a verifiable medicinal truth to it but with a little ginger ale I was always feeling much better by afternoon. The love and caring that accompanied those dishes is part of the lasting appeal. The last....cinnamon toast I will forever correlate with my baby brother. We weren't allowed to use the stove or microwave but the toaster was not off limits. Many a Saturday morning was passed eating cinnamon toast and watching cartoons. I think we could demolish an entire loaf of bread between the two of us and we put so much cinnamon and sugar on it that it would sag in the middle when you picked it up! Just thinking about it brings warmth to my heart. Which leads to:

MEMORIES

If you ever want to see me smile ask me to recount a story about one of my kids. Without fail, I can go through my photo albums and peace just melts through me. That alone is the reason to put together a slide show of favorite pictures. But also, as I grow older I have lost family members and my kids are moving out and away, the memories are comforting because they help me remember why that person is special and important to me.


GOD / BIBLE

When I am suffering from illness or anxiety, loneliness or despair, when hope is most elusive, the Bible serves as my source of strength. The verses affirm my faith and give me comfort. A couple of go-to verses of mine:

Jeremiah 29:11-12 (NIV)
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.

Matthew 5:4 (NIV)
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

James 5:16 (NIV)
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

AND my all time favorite verse:

Phillipians 4:6 (NIV)
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.


MUSIC

I think everyone has an activity or hobby that gives them comfort such as running, gardening, or reading just to name a few. For me it's music. Any genre will do the trick usually. Even as I type this I am listening to Francesca. With this particular song, I am comforted by identifying with the lyrics, "Sometimes I believe that I can do anything, Yet other times I think I've got nothing good to bring". It is comforting to know others have my same thoughts and emotions to know I am not alone in my hope or misery whichever the case may be. However, I am equally uplifted by Britney Spears' Circus. Although I can sing the lyrics, "Well baby, I'm a put-on-a-show kind of girl, Don't like the backseat, gotta be first" with enough attitude you may believe I mean it it is the booty-shakin' beat of the music that makes me dance around my house increasing my serotonin which boosts my comfort and happiness.

And finally,

TOUCH

I realize just as I am writing this that touch is the only "deposit" that I can not control. This may be why I want this type of comfort over all others in times of distress. There is such thing as distal touch which means a touch to the hand or shoulder. I think this type of touch shows empathy and caring. Also, I think sitting near one another provides connection when one is feeling distant and I think holding hands is a show of affection towards one another. For me touching says "You are not alone. I am with you." No matter what my circumstance, I am comforted knowing I am not alone.


Not sure where I was really going with this post since I have been interrupted by numerous phone calls, texts, requests from a sick husband, spelling requests from the 7 year old making a get well card for said sick husband and an overall distraction caused by my overactive imagination wondering how a friend is faring in her effort to be brave this evening. I will just conclude by saying that I am happy to know that I have control over so many comfort measures. More importantly, I am overjoyed to know I have family and friends willing to make deposits for me when I am unable to take care of myself!

Facade

First let me say that I really wish I could put the cedilla under the "c" in facade. Just something lost when typing rather than writing. I used to keep journals. I loved to put pencil to paper. I love the written word, expression, communication! If you just said "What? What's a cedilla?" don't worry about it and keep reading.

I have just entered a whole new arena of acquaintances with the start of a new job. A whole group of people who know nothing about me. Is it just me or does anyone else consider the ramifications of letting people know personal stuff about you? It is very disconcerting to me at times. Mostly because I truly believe that I am odd....and boring. I have several times through my life when faced with this situation considered adopting a facade? I could make myself normal, my life exciting. I could change my personality traits!! The stupidity of this is that you could never sustain the lie for long. Eventually you would just look like a jerk and liar.

BUT! I have come up with what I consider a list of enviable traits that I would wear like an overcoat if I could. An overcoat because the truth is that I'm okay with the real me and would eventually want to take the coat off! Here's the list:

• intelligent
• carefree
  
• traveled
• thoughtful
• great housekeeper
• multilingual
• creative / artistic
  
• punctual
• a good cook
• disciplined
• well read
• open to criticism
• patient
• motivated

I may or may not be some or all of these things. But in my mind I am none of them. However, a few years ago a friend my own age died. It really shook me to my core. I thought about that person and the things I knew of him that I thought people would remember. He was awesome! Kind, giving, happy, smiling. A good friend, brother and uncle. He was all these wonderful things and more. It made me consider what would people remember of me and also what would I want people to remember of me if I could choose. Here is the list I made then:

• She was truly a woman of God
• She loved her family and friends
  
• She was devoted to her husband and children
  
• She was happy and kind
  
• She made me laugh

These are the attributes that I strive for daily instead of punctuality and a super tidy house. In recent months my list has expanded by two. In the Bible, Jesus only ever describes himself using two words. From Matthew 11:29, "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."

Yeah, I was gentle and humble and I made you smile. I'd be happy with that as a legacy.

Inspiration and 42

I turned 42 today...in fact, yesterday. I recently read a blog written by an obvious lover of facts and trivia and it spurred me into researching factoids concerning the number 42. Here are just a few:

• 42 degrees is the angle that light must reflect off of water to make a rainbow
• the are 42 generations from Abraham to Jesus
• 42 square miles make up Jerusalem
• 42 lines on each page of the Gutenberg Bible
  
• 42 dots on a pair of dice
• Statue of Liberty's right arm is 42 feet long
• Juliet slept for 42 hours in Romeo & Juliet

And for the win -

• the only 42 ever retired in Major League Baseball was that of Jackie Robinson who coincidentally shares the last name of the person who inspired me to write this little post!
  

I probably wouldn't have worked this up into a post except for that odd coincidence.

Here is my thought process after discovering that coincidence...."coincidence, really?, is there such thing as coincidence, is everything left to chance or nothing, is there predestination, are we on the path that was laid out for us prior to our existence by an omniscient God?, is this exactly what my 42 years were meant to be from the beginning, 42 years, 42, that's a long time, long, really long, sheesh now i'm tired, man I would love 42 hours of sleep."

Good night, Romeo.

No time to think.

Since I started back to work I haven't had much time to think about things. When I was at home I would ponder things, Mull things over, read bizarre tidbits on the internet and do random google follow up searches. These are the activities that usually led to my blog topics. So sadly, I haven't blogged in a while. The good thing is that I don't overthink things either like an argument with Arty or a backhanded remark made by someone at church (hmmm..what do you think she really meant by that).

The most interesting thought I've had is that I kinda miss myself. I miss that inner thought process, or dialogue, I used to have during the day. It feels kinda like I lost a friend. Does that make sense or does it make me sound schizo?

Oh well, no more time to think about it. Gotta get things done so I can get to bed at a decent hour. (A decent hour!? Did I just say that!?!) lol.

Perspective with 7 days to go

I had a horrible day yesterday. Ariele called crying and upset. Jill was sick and running a fever. Kayla -- happy as a lark...as usual! :) Oh how I envy Kayla her natural disposition. Ariele and I often make fun of Kayla because her happy-go-lucky attitude often presents itself as airheadedness or "blondeness" as we tease her. As if she is a dumb blonde. This couldn't be further from the truth. I truly envy her ability to always see the silver lining and focus on the happy and good in every situation. I adore her sweet soul and creative nature. I love that kid.

But Ariele being upset and Jill being sick really did a number on me. I was over the top anxious. By last night, I was just done. I think I must have even slept tense because when I woke up this morning, my muscles, back, neck, everything was just so sore. I worry WAY too much. I worry about things normal people don't worry about. I worry about things I can not change. If worrying were an Olympic sport, I'm sure I could be a gold medalist. I try, I really try to talk myself down or through it but my mind creates the most ridiculous scenarios and then I just can't let go of them. But today, God gave me a little perspective.

At 6am today my friends arrived at the hospital with their 4 year old deaf child for her scheduled open heart surgery. Seriously!? I am worried about my 3 girls who are 19, 14 and 10 hanging out at the beach with 6 adults. (7 if you count the adult that is my oldest child!) I feel ashamed that I was so wrapped up in my perceived stressful circumstance when they are having an ACTUAL crisis. I think about the past few days, lamenting my tiny worries to this woman who has been preparing for OPEN HEART SURGERY.

The word that comes to mind to describe myself: DOLT

The urban dictionary defines dolt as "A mental retard who is clueless not only about current events, but also has the IQ level of a rock." Yeah, it fits.

I'm sorry Al, I have not been a good friend. I'm praying for you guys and sending every good and strong vibe I have to little Q.

8 days to go

I am having physical symptoms of anxiety. Headache, inability to focus on a task, upset stomach, tiredness. But so far, I haven't had an actual breakdown.

The kids arrived safely in Florida this morning about 5:30am. Ariele called to let me know that Jill was complaining of a headache and upset stomach. I assume it is just overtiredness combined with car sickness and excitement. I'm praying that is all it is. On the plus side, more adults arrived just moments ago...one of them is the girls' aunt who is a nurse! Praises! That helps ease my mind and worry a tad!

Yesterday. I went auctioning but no treasures were found. Library. Found a book and a couple movies to help keep me occupied. Jaime. Went to visit and check out her new paint job. Looks good. Hung out and chatted for a couple hours too. Always fun and a great distraction. Dinner with Arty and Riley. Fish tacos - yummy! We stopped by a friend of Arty's birthday party. It was weird but okay. I can now count myself as one of those parents who took their young child to a kegger. I'm proud ;)

Today. We went to church. I wore a dress to try to cheer myself up. But then twin 2 year olds screamed in each of my ears for an hour and the mood was shot. Couldn't sit still thru Ken's sermon. I considered painting today...but then the rainy crappy day just shot my planned productivity to heck and I ended up watching TV for the past 3 hours while I reclined on the couch.

I miss the girls.

Riley is bored. (She has told me 10 times today at least)

Arty is, where else, in the basement.

I hope this isn't a peek into what the rest of the week will be like.

Over the top anxiety

So, the 3 Daniel girls left last night. They will be hitting the road with their dad today driving 18 hours to Florida where they will stay until next Sunday. I am freaking out just a little bit. Okay...a lot. My anxiety is 3-fold...

1st - I have never been away from Jillian for more than 2 days. This summer is the first time Kayla and I have been separated when she went to camp for a week so I'm still a newbie having her gone too. In all the years of our divorce, my ex has never executed his right to have the girls for 2 weeks in the summer. Not Ever. Not once in 10 years. So being separated from not 1 but 3 of my girls for all or part of 10 days I fear may be excruciating for me.

2nd - Safety. Their plan is to drive 18 hours straight through to Florida. I worry horribly about their safety. I worry about Ariele driving. I worry they won't wear their seatbelts. I'm worried they'll stop at a gas station and Kayla will go to the bathroom by herself. I'm worried about whoever drives at night staying awake. Plus, when they get there...I'm worried Jill won't wear a life jacket. I'm worried Kayla will get sunburned horribly. (I could go on and on and on!)

3rd - I worry about them visiting their dying grandfather. I have tried to prepare them for the situation. What they are going to see since Ed is in the advanced stages of lung cancer. He already has hospice, he starts radiation on Monday, he has oxygen in the home, etc. But I have also tried to prepare them for the feelings they will see and feel among their family members. Having had such a traumatic death experience when I was young and knowing how deeply affected I was I am truly worried about how my girls will process the events in the coming days....especially with only their dad to console and guide them through the experience.

Right now, I am so keyed up I actually have buzzing in my ears!

I know part of the plan needs to be distraction. It hasn't been just me and a single child since Ariele was 4! So I am trying to organize fun things for Riley and I to do since I don't have to consider the expense of me plus 7 kids! At the moment I am too overwhelmed with worry but I did manage to jot down a few ideas. Also, I plan to have a really clean house by next Sunday! In addition, I am hoping to paint at least 1 bedroom this week...hopefully 3 bedrooms and 1 bathroom. We'll see how that goes!

So it begins. 10 days.

Dear God, please watch over my kids as they travel (Seadon too - she is going to New York with her mom), be with them through this week and bring them home safely. Also, please be with Ed and Linda and all of their family and friends. I pray that Ed believes in You, our Lord, and that he will be at peace in Your kingdom. I pray for Linda that she will have family and friends around her to help and that you will be with her as she struggles through this difficult time and the loss of her husband. Amen.

Four Decades!?!?

I was sitting here this morning looking through pictures my kids posted from our trip to the Royals game last night. They are great! I had such a good time hanging out at the K with my girls while Arty watched the game (and we sorta watched the game). Of course, the only runs the Royals scored happened while I was off with the girls in search of ice cream so we missed all 3 runs!! The guys behind us offered to buy us ice cream again if I would just get up and leave for 20 minutes....the thinking being us gone was lucky!

I so appreciate the times I get to just hang out with my kids. It is just simple happiness. I realize I started being a mom nearly 20 years ago. Wow! Where has the time gone! By the time Riley goes to college I will be in my mid-fifties! That means I will have been a mother in my 20's, 30's, 40's and 50's! 4 decades of motherhood! I think many women would hear that and groan, pity me or both. The truth is, I love it. I love that I will probably be a grandmother before Riley is in college. I will never be lost for young people in my life and that is just the way I want it. I don't think in my 20's you could have convinced me to make this plan for my life. I would have been one of those women groaning at the thought of it. Although some days it may feel like chaos, the trade off is love, joy, silliness, camaraderie, friendship, intimacy and happiness. And I get four decades!

Sister Sister

I just got home today after spending a wonderful 1 day-2 night girls' weekend at Lake of the Ozarks. It was an amazingly good time. I got to ride in the biggest, nicest boat I have ever ridden in in my life. (Thanks Teri & Jay!) I spent hours on my paddleboard. The solitude and scenery of those hours was incredible. I spent time with friends and family eating, drinking, talking, playing games (which I won!) and having a generally wonderful time. I am so happy for the opportunity to recharge! But the most incredible gift came when I got home.

I grew up with 3 brothers and my entire life watched with interest my mom and her 4 sisters. Sisters are not like brothers. My mom and her sisters go to dinners, celebrate birthdays, take vacations, play bingo and talk on the phone. This is not the case with brothers! Now that I have 6 daughters of my own, I find myself imagining, with envy, the potential relationships they have the opportunity to build as they grow. But! many days, the way they get along, I'm just certain they are going to move to the 6 corners of the universe, never speak to each other, and have me spend my golden years endlessly traveling to and fro to visit grandchildren.

This weekend was a huge ray of hope. My girls pulled together and took care of each other in my absence (and took care of dad who is working 20 hours a day to bring a project in on time.) They went to the pool together. They watched movies curled up in my bed together. Ariele shuttled Riley to and from a birthday party. They all piled in Ariele's car again on Saturday night and went to Dairy Queen - one last hurrah before Mom came home on Sunday. It felt like a gift when Ariele told me how much she loves her sisters and how much fun she had with them this weekend. She said "we were all in the car headed to DQ and a Taylor Swift song came on and everyone was singing at the top of their lungs, even Riley, and I looked around and just thought my sisters are so cute". She said, "it just made me smile." She doesn't know it but I nearly cried in that moment. Then when I asked the younger girls how their weekend was Jillian was the first to answer and she said, "Ariele is the most awesomest sister ever! We went to the pool ALL DAY Saturday!!" Then my dear, tired as heck husband told me how Kayla and Seadon busted butt all weekend making meals, doing dishes...they even vacuumed and mopped the floors!

I am going to bed tonight sunburned and relaxed from a nice restful weekend at the lake. Which is more than I could hope for. But beyond that, I am going to bed with a heart bursting with pride and happiness for my wonderful family and the blessing they are to my life! Thank you, God, for the life I often feel I don't deserve. I am truly grateful.

Situp thou hast felled me.

Why can I not create a habit of exercise?

This has been my prevailing thought since. . . . well, since . . . .I was going to say since my first child was born...but the truth is since I put on my swimsuit for the first time this year. I have talked to a few people about their exercise habits and, no surprise, no one really has a consistent exercise regime. In the past week I have even been considering joining a gym thinking that would increase my motivation.

Today I decided to search how to create an effective daily habit. I did get results for websites on how to create a daily habit of exercise but I also got websites for reflection, prayer, positive affirmations, breakfast, smoothies, gratitude, vitamins and the list goes on. It's good to know I'm not the only person struggling with creating habits!

A habit is by definition a behavior pattern acquired by frequent repetition. Therein lies my problem. Frequent repetition hasn't been in the cards where exercise is concerned. It's not that I can't achieve frequent repetition. I have no problem with these habits:

• swimming pool
• television
  
• blogger
• facebook
  
• snacking at 10pm

I wonder if I create a reward system if I could start doing those hated situps each day because clearly a possible thinner midsection is not an impetus. And gosh, if I succeed at situps who knows what I can achieve...positive affirmations, a cleaner house, daily reflection, world peace!

Pfft. If you have any suggestions.....

‘A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.’ ~Herm Albright


Positivity with a dash of cynicism. I like it.

Positive attitude, gratefulness, happiness all seem to go hand in hand. I have been working on these attributes, these fruits of the spirit, for the past 4 years. It seems weird to think that I have to work on being positive, work at being grateful, struggle to feel happy but it is true. Events unfolded in my life leaving me anxious, tired, bitter and unhappy. The amazing and/or interesting thing is that the events that caused me to feel this way represented less than 10 percent of my actual daily life and yet the resulting negative feelings consumed over 90% of my daily thoughts and actions.

I can not remember what event led me to begin searching, climbing, clawing my way out of that hole. Today, it doesn't seem to be any one event or realization because thankfully I can no longer remember what it truly felt like being that depressed and sad. My point though, is that although I am "healed" from that depression, I still have to work at it. Each day, I make a conscious effort towards being positive, grateful and happy. Here are a few of my steps:

• Become aware of your self-talk and don't allow "stinkin thinkin"

• Be grateful for your life, your gifts, and your people.

• Don’t compare yourself to others but be inspired by them.
  

• There will be bad things, try to find the lesson (or the good).
  

• See failure as a stepping stone to success.

• Surround yourself with those who are where you'd like to be.

• Complain less, smile more.

• Do right even when others do wrong. More importantly, treat others right even when they treat you wrong.

I guarantee if you try these things there will be days that it feels like work! Hopefully the rewards will make it worth it. Things I have accomplished by allowing the fruits of the spirit to work in me:

Baptized into Jesus
Quit smoking
Overcame debilitating depression and anxiety
Raised three kids into adulthood (still working on 4 more!)
10 year relationship that is still going strong
Develop relationships with friends that go beyond the surface
Began writing


In Galatians, regarding the fruits of the spirit Paul says, "against such things there is no law". What he means is these are not seen as good only by those who believe in God. These are known to be positive characteristics by almost everyone, in most eras, in most lands.

Give it a try and be universally correct.

Can you pronounce Lao Tzu?

Doing nothing is better than being busy doing nothing. ~Lao Tzu



First, I have no idea how to pronounce that name. In fact, I started thinking of all the profound quotes I love and frequently I do not know how to pronounce the originator. Ergo, I suppose if I want to be considered profound I should consider changing my name. Anyhoo, not my point.

I talked to several people today and there was a common theme: "I have so many things to do today I just have no idea where to start." "I just can't possibly make it to the pool today, I have too many things to do." "I just felt so overburdened with things to do that I didn't even get out of bed til noon."

I don't typically feel this way. Actually, several of my friends give me a hard time when they call because every time they ask what I am doing, my typical response is "nothing". The truth is that I am always doing something. Sometimes, many times, it's just not something I want to admit that I am doing. Like: eating chips & salsa (this actually happens way too often!), playing on the computer (ditto!! way way too often!), sleeping, watching tv, yelling at a kid or two...you get the idea. But that isn't always the case. In fact, I find most moms are great at multi-tasking which means we aren't just doing something we are doing many somethings.

As I thought about this I actually recalled a phone conversation I had just the other day. It wasn't the conversation that was important. Nor was it the fact that I was on the phone for over 2 hours! No, the crazy thing is everything ELSE I accomplished while I was on the phone.

• talked on the phone
  
• folded a load of laundry from the dryer
  
• switched a load from washer to dryer
• added a load to the washer
• swept the kitchen floor
• unloaded the dishwasher
  
• made my bed
• picked up my bathroom
• sorted the girls' dirty laundry
• changed my clothes
• put on make-up
• AND straightened my hair

I'm not kidding. Then after I got off the phone I actually "got something done." I had errands to run for Arty...Salvation Army, bank, pick up contacts, and drop off dvd player at Best Buy. The funny thing is I didn't feel like I had accomplished anything until I finished those errands. I actually said, "Yeah! I got something productive done today!" That's Crazy! If someone had asked me, that whole list of stuff I did while I was on the phone would have been described as "doing nothing."

So. My advice to those women today would be to give yourself credit for all the "nothing" you accomplished today and don't get overwhelmed by the to do list. If you didn't get to it today, it will be there tomorrow. And hey, you should really throw an actual "hanging by the pool doing nothing" into your week too!

Anniversary and Socrates

“He who is not contented with what he has, would not be contented with what he would like to have” ~Socrates

Today is my anniversary and I have been reflecting on my relationship, marriage, life. I am very content with my life. Don't get me wrong. There are days when I think about making a larger contribution to society or about earning the self-affirming paycheck but overall I am quite happy. Think about that. I am at home and Arty works at home. We are essentially with each other 24 hours a day 7 days a week. And, it has been this way for over 7 years and I love it! I feel blessed being home and seeing my kids off to school in the morning and being here when they get home in the afternoon.

But life changes even when you don't want it to. Last year my baby started kindergarten and my first born headed off to college. My 2 other big kids have moved out permanently into their own apartments. It is a difficult process accepting these changes as necessary and good. In addition, I have been thinking about changes I would "like" to happen. Do I want to work outside the home? can I find a job that fits around the kids' schedules? do I want a job or a career? should I try to go back to school? what exactly would I enjoy doing?

It is difficult for me not to have all the answers. To feel no control over my future. But life is uncertain. That may be the only thing in I’m certain about. What I work to make happen down the road may not happen. Therefore I think giving up too much of the good stuff that lies in front of me every day (time with my family) isn’t necessarily the most intelligent trade off in the world. It all goes by too quickly already. It's good for me to think about what I want but I think Socrates is reminding me to love, cherish, nourish and be grateful for what I’ve got.

I'll end with another Socrates -

“Our prayers should be for blessings in general, for God knows best what is good for us.”

Can I get a high five!?

I have been witness to my fair share of relationship woes. Sadly, I will admit that in the heat of the moment I am prone to thinking I am right and everyone else sucks. Or, "If everyone would just listen to me and do what I say then life would be so much easier and happier!" The husband and I went to a marriage conference this past weekend. In our first breakout session, the leader/counselor says to us "90% of what you say is not in the words." I think YES! This is exactly what I have been saying to Arty for YEARS!!! I look over to get a high five for how right I have been and guess what!? He wasn't impressed by my cockiness and I did not get a high five!

What I have discovered is it is better to be a little wrong than absolutely right and alone. It's true that people do not like a know it all. In addition, I have realized that no one is ever truly THAT right because everyone has their own opinion and perspective. Further, even if I am doing one thing right, I can rest assured that I am doing at least 2 wrong.

If you're having lots of relationship problems — and repeatedly thinking "I'M OKAY. EVERYBODY ELSE SUCKS!" — then it's time to start wondering what YOU might be contributing to the "people problems" around you.

Consider saying these "tongue twisters":

"How do you see things?"

"Did I hurt your feelings?"

"How could I better empathize with what you're going through?"

"You talk first — because I really want to hear how you feel and understand better."

"I want to know how I have contributed to your hurt and/or anger."

"I'm sorry."

"I apologize."

(Those last two seem to be especially hard!)

It's really all about empathy. The counselor suggested rather than trying to be right, we should focus on trying to be understanding and be a good listener. My husband asked, "But what if you don't agree with your spouse?" (Hah! He is like me - we like to be right.) The answer - empathy is not reliant on consensus. You don't have to agree with why I am angry to feel badly that I AM angry. Sometimes saying "I'm sorry that you are upset" (and meaning it!) is all it takes.

Lastly, if someone takes the time to apologize to you, and expresses how they want to move past a conflict — let go! Release your anger. A loving and forgiving heart is the key to all successful relationships.

Affirmations

It is shocking to me how much I need external positive reinforcement. I need praise. Just like my six year old child...look at me, look at me, mommy, Watch!!

Several events brought this thought to the forefront of my mind. First, we invited a friend family over for dinner. All day was a checklist. House clean - check. Dinner - check. Threaten kids within an inch of their life to be good hosts and exhibit good manners - check. I think most days I take my home for granted. Seeing it through new eyes is fun. Seeing it through new, complimentary eyes is Fantastic! To be told, you have a great home...it's beautiful almost made me feel like I was having an endorphin rush! Further, for the rest of the weekend I think I felt like I liked my home more. I was happier to be in it I think.

The next thing that happened was completely weird. Our neighbors were having a garage sale and one of their patrons, some random guy, apparently walked over and started taking pictures of my garden pots on the sidewalk and front porch. I wasn't there but Arty said he just walked over and asked if he could take pictures of my flowers. I have potted flowers for the past 4-5 years since we moved here and rarely does my family comment on them...an unprompted compliment anyway. I will say, How does that look and Arty will say Good and that is about it. Occasionally someone will tell me my flowers are pretty and that is Great. But for a guy to think they are lovely enough to take pictures was such a jolt to my ego I don't think my feet touched the ground for an hour at least!

The last thing I will mention is Paddleboarding. I attempted this new skill at the lake on Monday and guess what!? I'm not half bad!!! I was pretty worried beforehand about making a fool of myself trying this new thing in front of our friends. As it turned out it was really fun and even though it required a good deal of balance I managed it with just a little wobbliness. I was incredibly proud of myself for accomplishing this new feat. But it was nothing compared to the joy when not one but BOTH of our friends said how good I am at it!

There are so many areas of my life that need this positive reinforcing boost to my self esteem but it isn't something you can expect to get from your spouse. I think just like I take my house for granted...well, I'm his house. He may feel pride when someone compliments him on his house but most days it's just the norm. So how do I create a self-affirming boost? I saw this video this weekend. Maybe she is on to something. Excuse me, I have to go stand on a counter!

http://www.stupidvideos.com/video/just_plain_stupid/Jessica_Gets_Pumped_For_Bedtime/#298011

Parenting as a Behavioral Science

There are traits in each of my children that I have been witnessing since they were young - even toddlers. These are negative traits that I am mentioning although they also have many wonderful traits. I just feel like recently my big peoples lives' are being greatly affected by the behaviors associated with these negative personality traits.

Ariele is stubborn and arrogant. Has been since she was very little. I think these traits are why she is succeeding in college. However, I also think these traits hinder her ability to make and keep close relationships. As long as she has topical relationships she is good. She made lots of acquaintances at college but no real friends. Real relationships take a type of selflessness that she doesn't possess. Or maybe, a selflessness that she is unable to sustain would be a better way to describe her.

Hunter lacks motivation and is lazy. Because he is so laid back, he makes friends easily and I'm sure he is popular at parties. The no responsibilities fun guy. However, he is living in a college town working at a sub shop NOT going to college. He convinces himself that he is happy in his lifestyle because to be otherwise would take planning and work.

Hayden has low self esteem. I think this leads to a fear of failure and fear of rejection. If Hayden tries something and fails, you can be assured she will not try it again. Also, she chooses relationships with other people who are struggling to overcome personal issues....usually issues that are MUCH worse than her own.

Through all the experiences I wonder is this a physiological result or a learned behavior? Is this something I could have altered in raising my kids or would I have been just fighting the tide?

I know I have struggled with my own self destructive behaviors. I think at times I blame my parents/childhood for my failures especially in emotional areas. But I can't help but wonder, is it genetic? Is low self-esteem genetic? Laziness? Stubbornness?

Your thoughts?

Desperate

I am a fan of "Desperate Housewives." Give me a break. I can identify with 40 year old housewives in a sitcom. So sue me! In one particular episode, Lynette has an epiphany watching all her neighbors head out for church on Sunday morning. She goes to Bree's church and at the end of the sermon she raises her hand. She has questions. Bree is humiliated and respectfully asks Lynette to take her family to another church because you go to church for answers - not to ask questions. It culminates in a conversation with Bree where she says, "I've had a tough couple of months. I survived cancer AND a tornado and I want to know why. Why did I survive when so many haven't...didn't."

It's interesting. My question would also include why did she have cancer in the first place. You know only 10 percent of smokers end up with lung cancer even though smoking is the number one cause of lung cancer. Only 10%. Why did my mom end up with lung cancer? I was there when the doctors grimly told me that she only had a 20% chance of living. People say you have to have a positive attitude. You have to believe you will beat it. My mom had neither. I held her frail hand when she cried out to die. In agony from the pain of the fight she cried out to God to let her die. I cried when she looked me straight in the eye and said she didn't have anything to live for. Let me repeat that. My mother looked me square in the face and said she had nothing to live for. I don't believe her attitude or her beliefs made a difference. I believe in the Lord our God. He has a plan. She has lived for over 5 years since her surgery...over 6 years since her diagnosis. I started going to church almost 6 years ago for the same reason as Lynette. I had questions.

I still don't have all the answers but I have more peace than I have ever felt in my adult life. It's a good start.

It's a Wonderful Life!

"What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I'd realized it sooner." --Colette.

I love this quote. I read it frequently to remind myself to count my blessings and to focus on all the positive in my life.

It hasn't been difficult to focus on the positive lately. Ariele and Hayden have done wonderfully this year in college. Ariele comes home this weekend. My littles are finishing up a great school year. The weather has been beautiful. I am eagerly anticipating summer fun. Hunter is making very positive, life changing decisions. Arty is keeping busy. We finally rented the Gardner house.

As I have pondered "attitude of gratitude" one of the realizations I have come to is that attitude affects everything. And recently I added not only does attitude affect everything but self-esteem affects attitude. Meaning:

positive self-esteem = positive attitude = gratefulness = happiness

I have been thinking about self-esteem. I have many teenagers in my house. Do you remember struggling to find your identity as a teen? It is interesting how much false bravado and pretend esteem kids exhibit. I understand it and I don't. What I want to teach my kids is you don't get healthy self-esteem from constantly telling yourself how great you are, or even from other people telling you how great you are. You get healthy self-esteem from behaving in ways that you find estimable. In other words, the best way to feel better about yourself is to do something worthy of your own respect: keep a difficult resolution, meet a challenge, solve a problem, learn a skill, cross something unpleasant off your to-do list. And one of the best ways to feel better about yourself is to help someone else. I find that when I do good -- I feel good.

As you think about this, remember that it doesn't have to be a huge commitment. It can be something really small. For instance, I derive immense satisfaction when I happen to notice trash in the street or the park and I pick it up, when I remember to use my green bags at the grocery store, when I smile at a stranger and they smile back, or I give the teenage busboy at Pizza Street a $5 tip not just because he did his job but because he was so friendly while he did it.

So try it yourself; throw away someone else's trash or say a kind word and brighten someone's day. "Do good, feel good" is a happiness truism that really is true. Act like a considerate citizen of the world, and you'll boost your self-esteem.

Resolution or Goal?

I think I may have been looking at this the wrong way. I read something this morning that got me thinking about the difference between goals and resolutions. The biggest difference is you achieve a goal and you keep a resolution. Understanding the difference will change how you approach the situation.

Some objectives are better characterized as resolutions, others, as goals. "Run in a marathon" or "Become fluent in Spanish" is a goal. It’s specific. It’s easy to tell when it has been achieved. Once you’ve done it, you’ve done it! "Write daily" or "Stop gossiping," or "Exercise" is better cast as a resolution. You won’t wake up one morning and find that you’ve achieved it. It’s something that you have to resolve to do, every day, forever. You’ll never be done with it.

It can be easy to get discouraged when you’re trying to hit a goal. What if it takes longer than you expected? What if it’s harder than you expected? And what happens once you’ve reached your goal? Say you’ve run the marathon. What now – do you stop exercising? Do you set a new goal?

With resolutions, the expectations are different and being discouraged can come easier and more frequent. Each day, I try to live up to my resolutions. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I fail. To not get discouraged I need to see each day as a clean slate and a fresh opportunity. I never expect to be done with my resolutions, so I try not to get discouraged when they stay challenging. Which they do.

For example, I made a resolution to practice an attitude of gratitude. Each day I have to re-commit to this resolution. It takes a lot of self-discipline to keep a resolution and to continue to commit day after day especially in the face of adversity or failure. I had a bad day yesterday. It is extremely difficult to be grateful all day when my day was consumed with laundry and errands and events at kids’ schools. So I failed. No problem. Today, I have a clean slate and the opportunity to improve.

What got me thinking about this is my resolution to blog. My mindset was that of it being a goal. I found myself feeling frustrated that I wasn’t achieving anything. There was no end. I was feeling discouraged. But now I have shifted my mindset. Writing needs to be a resolution for me. It needs to be something without end that I commit to accomplish each day.

Current resolutions - attitude of gratitude, blogging, exercise, weight control

Current goals - read Bible, learn to StandUp Paddleboard, take a photography class

SAHM

I think stay-at-home moms are pitied. Women and men alike wonder how it is possible that a woman whose job it is to keep house and raise children can have no other ambition. How can we not want to be outside the home "having a career and a life". How can we have no desire to earn an income so that more "stuff" can be bought. In many cases, single income families have to scrimp and budget (do without more stuff) to be able to live on that single income. I find myself being defensive whenever the subject of my employment is brought up. I go on about the "sacrifice" I make to raise responsible, respectful children. But most times I also find it difficult to explain what makes it so worthwhile to me.

So I was thinking about this and here is what I came up with. I always allude to this big sacrifice. As if I have ambition and I am giving it all up to raise my kids. Truth is, there is no sacrifice. I love my children, yes. But it is so much more than that. Do you love your job? Do the people you work with show up every day happy to be there? Excited to start a new day? In my opinion, children are happy and grown-ups are not. You think to yourself, of course children are happy...they don't have to work, pay bills, watch what they eat, etc. True. But when was the last time you got pure joy watching a fluffy bunny hop across your front yard? When you walk past your flowers in the spring are they just SO beautiful to you that you have to pick just one? When is the last time you made a free throw and danced around your driveway like you just won the championship game?

These are the things that lead to my job satisfaction. I would be truly miserable to know that I missed out on my chance to be their witness . My kids don't want to go to sleep at night. They are ready to get up in the morning. They play games! They love to pretend. Have you ever watched a bunch of little girls "playing house". There are no rules. All the kids are making it up as they go and it just works! Kids also know they don't know it all. They enjoy finding out they don't know something and learning about it. Ever watch a little boy walk through a field or down a creek bed? It is a wonderland of things to discover! As adults, we can not easily admit we are wrong or unknowledgeable...especially at our jobs! The most exciting thing is seeing old things through young eyes. My kids don't take things for granted and they appreciate the little things. But even more exciting is they appreciate the big things adults seem to ignore. For example, the seasons. Do you excitedly wait for that first snowflake so you can run out and make angels? My kids love the rain and carrying umbrellas. It makes Jill feel "fancy"! LOL. How about you? Are you excited to feel fancy carrying an umbrella or are you just thinking about how it will make you late for work? They get joy in the sunny days that they can spend outside at the park or in the pool.

Fortunately, I realize that my days are numbered so I am holding on tightly to my ambition which is to be a SAHM (stay-at-home mom.) I get to witness my kids' amazement as they discover this world. The day they become adults and are too embarrassed or too busy to drop and make a snow angel after that first dusting of snow comes way too quickly. I'm HAPPY to be at my job today. How about you?

I want a Touchdown Dance!

No one ever said it would be easy. Actually, no one ever said anything. There is a line in the movie "Parenthood" that I think about ...

Keanu Reeves character says, "You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car - hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father."

I'm not dissing on dad's here. I have actually said to one of my kids "wait just a second and let me check the mom-manual.....oh yeah...they didn't give me one. I'm doing the best I can so just back off!" Nice, huh!?

I'm having a hard week, I mean month, wait...I mean year. I have one kid that has dropped out of college, one that is contemplating sex, one that is being punished for bad grades, several that are disrespectful at times, 2 that are starting high school in August, one that won't stop whining all the time, one that lies constantly about anything and everything, etc.

The hardest thing, I think, is doing what is right. Keeping your eye on the prize and doing what it takes to raise a happy, healthy, productive, moral, responsible adult. Having the child that you love hate you or think you are being mean or unfair, even if only temporarily, hurts. It is the type of hurt that makes you question yourself. Am I a good parent or am I raising a felon? Am I a good person? Would my friends be supportive or shocked? Is my husband on my side? These are hard questions to face and when you're feeling sad and hurt it is so easy to get on the "pity pot" and start affirming all of your self doubt. OMG! I AM a bad mother. I AM a horrible person who loses her temper. My husband IS going to leave me because I am SO horrible to his children. (Okay...that last one is a bit extreme...I've thought it but I don't think I have actually ever believed it.)

I don't really believe you should have to have a license but I believe in the sentiment. Sadly, I think by the time you get the hang of it you have grandchildren. Even sadder, all that wisdom you have acquired through all those years of trial and error is widely ignored and rarely solicited and you get to sit back and watch your children make the same mistakes with their children.

Truth is, there's no such thing as the perfect parent. But if I try, if I work at it and really commit, I hope I can take comfort in knowing that I've done my best to give my kids the opportunity for a good life.

The other line in that movie that I love - Jason Robard's character explains parenting to his son, Steve Martin's character, "There is no end, you never cross the goal line, spike the ball and do your touchdown dance." Being a mother is my full time job. I have settled for the fact that I will not get a paycheck or a raise, I will never get a promotion, I don't get vacation days and I rarely get a "you're doing a great job, thanks." Now I realize no retirement!? No touchdown dance!? Dang!

Seriously, if you haven't seen the movie "Parenthood" you should see it. It is an early Ron Howard masterpiece. A great mix of comedy and drama.


"If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son who will not obey the voice of his father or the voice of his mother, and, though they discipline him, will not listen to them, then his father and his mother shall take hold of him and bring him out to the elders of his city at the gate of the place where he lives, and they shall say to the elders of his city, 'This our son is stubborn and rebellious; he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton and a drunkard.' Then all the men of the city shall stone him to death with stones. " Deuteronomy 21:18-21

(My punishments seem mild in comparison!)

Extreme Parenting

Extreme parenting is executed by moms and dads who are going to increasingly desperate lengths to give their children a head start over their peers. It's madness. Take a good, honest look at yourself? Are you guilty? Have you:

done your child's homework or project? (Misspell a word to make it look authentic?)

driven over 100 miles in one day shuffling your child from one activity to another?

called your child in sick so they could stay home and finish their project so it wouldn't be counted late?

bought your child anything/everything they need to fit in? (i.e. brand name clothes, makeup, cell phone, i-pod)

It seems we are so anxious to get it right, to have the most high-achieving children and to be seen to be doing it all effortlessly, that we have lost our perspective. We've resorted to deceit and corruption, and have come to view other parents as competitors rather than allies. I have passed off store bought food as my own so as not to admit to the other mothers that I can't do it all! Ha!

What I notice is that we are over-protecting our children when they are young and not allowing them to hang out with their peer group, fend for themselves, make mistakes and get a bit streetwise. In their teens, they expect a lot of freedom, which is so much of a contrast to their previous life that it's almost impossible for them to have formed the judgment they need. Sadly, the mistakes they make as teenagers usually have a lot bigger consequences than those mistakes made on the playground of elementary school.

Here are good parenting techniques I feel like we accomplish:

Communication, Respect, Saying I love you, lecturing/grounding, just saying no.

Here are the bad parenting techniques I feel like we accomplish:

Inconsistent punishment, over-lecturing, consistent sibling rules, creating responsibility.

Now that I have teens, I realize what I should have been striving for was influence instead of control. As kids grow, you can maintain influence, you do NOT get to maintain control. Now that some of my kids have "control" of their own lives I realize I don't have as much influence as I need to finish my job of guiding them into a happy, productive adulthood.

Anyway, here are examples of mine and Arty's extreme parenting. Let me be clear - I think these are mistakes and yet to this very minute we continue to parent using these techniques.

We will not allow a child to make a D or F on a report card. We micro-manage school work to make sure this doesn't happen rather than allowing the inevitable to happen and punishing mightily.

We make our teenage children call us constantly. When they get to work, before they leave work, when they arrive at their friend's house, if they leave to go anywhere, if they don't leave school immediately, if they are one minute late getting home, etc.

Will you post one of your extreme parenting "mistakes"?

Faith and Hope

Putting your faith in anything is difficult. Most people aren’t willing to risk failure or embarrassment for the possibility of success. We want the good life, but aren’t willing to take risks to achieve goals. We avoid potential success because potential failure is worse. Fear of failure outweighs Hope for success.

Fear outweighs Hope?

Similarly, we won’t have faith because misplaced trust can be painful. We don’t want to get hurt. I think everyone has put their trust or faith in someone and been let down. Gotten hurt. Instead of not having faith in just that person anymore, we begin transferring that mistrust in every Faith situation. And you have to admit, just about everything is a Faith situation. Isn't there a saying, "nothing is certain except death and taxes"? Anything that isn't certain requires Faith. How far does one extend that lack of Faith? Atheism?

Fear outweighs Hope and Faith?

It would seem to conquer Fear you would need to strengthen your Hope and Faith. How, then, do you accomplish that? Lack of faith and hope isn't limited to faith in God. I currently struggle with having faith in myself and feeling hopeful about my life in general.

For me: Reading my Bible, being grateful, praying and focusing on others are a few of the ways I feel I increase my hope and faith on a daily basis. I know that when I don't give attention to these things I feel my fears and anxieties rise.

Please leave your suggestions for increasing hope and faith.

I love me some Proverbs

"For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he" (Proverbs 23:7 KJV).

If you say you can, or if you say you cannot do something, you are probably correct either way. You have to believe you are deserving of positive circumstances before good can find you. Our words and thoughts should be positive! Philippians 4:8 says, "Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. (KJV)"

In reflecting on these two verses, I thought about what exactly shapes my thoughts and I realized the answer was EVERYTHING. Television, internet, husband, children, neighbors, friends, weather, health, Bible, etc. So then I thought about which aspects I can control which led me to the thought that some things I can control exposure and others I can only control my response. For example, I can change my response to this rain by thinking how perfect on Earth Day for Him to water the grass naturally! (I will admit this was not my initial response! Give me a break - I am a work in progress.) I can't change the fact that it is raining. But I am now focusing on changing my response, my thoughts are about how to change the influencers around me.

I used to be completely addicted to gossip blogs. I would spend hours each day reading tabloid blogs which made me gossipy in my life. I attacked this "addiction" because of the precious time that was being wasted on a daily basis. I didn't yet recognize the negative impact on my attitude. I was surprised when I realized the result included drastically reducing my desire to gossip. I can definitely control the items I read each day. Starting a daily devotional added to the positive effects of changing my thoughts throughout the day...which of course changes my actions. Change your input to change your attitude. If you seek a positive mind and a positive attitude, you MUST expose yourself to positive information and hang around positive people. If you want to achieve positive, you have to surround yourself with it and live it. Therefore, it's not just information, it's the people in my life as well that influence my thoughts and behaviors.

Have you ever had an incidence wherein your spouse wakes up in a grumpy mood you have a little spat over breakfast and it ruins your whole day. You snap at the kids, can't focus at work and generally feel irritable. How about having lunch with a co-worker who constantly bickers with her husband and is on the brink of divorce. You spend an hour listening to her say negative things about marriage, relationships and well, men in general. You think you are being a "supportive" friend but have you considered the effects on your own thoughts toward marriage or your own husband? Do you ever feel short tempered with your spouse and you can't figure out what they did to tick you off? Ever feel depressed after spending the day with a friend who is feeling depressed? People affect each other. Their moods, thoughts, and actions.

It is said you will be the sum total of the people you associate with. If this is true, we need to sit down and really decide who is the person I want to be. I need to surround myself with those types of people. We may have to decide who we have to cut off in order to move forward in our life. I know that sounds harsh, but you can still love them, just from a bit of a distance. Most of us did this when we started families. Honestly, how many of you had to cut the party animal from college out of your life because your lifestyle had to change to fit your new circumstances? We still like the guy...just from afar! Now, find some people who can inspire you. Just get around some positive. You have to surround yourself with happiness to create happiness. You have to surround yourself with success if you want to create success. If you want to achieve spiritual growth you have to surround yourself with spiritual people and others seeking spiritual growth.

You cannot change what you don't acknowledge, so think about your current circumstances and take ownership for where you are. Be honest and say, "Most everything I have said or done until now has placed me exactly where I am." Once you've owned up to it you'll experience a type of freedom and knowledge that will allow you to make the changes needed to create happiness, success and growth.

Symptom surfing

I think I am anxious by nature. That is, I think my physiology makes me inclined to be an anxious worrier. So many times, my husband has said to me "just don't think about it". Yeah, if it were only that easy. I also believe experience has played its part. I have been afraid of death and dying since my dad died when I was 12. Then, when my mom was diagnosed with cancer 6 years ago my health concerns magnified. Every ache, pain, bump, lump, mole and freckle causes me to worry.

I have discovered that my worst response to this anxiety is symptom surfing. The internet is not the friend of an anxious worrier. When I google "weird hard lump on my hand" I don't focus on the multiple entries that says benign ganglion cyst. No, I keep reading until I find it could be cancer call your doctor right away! As many times as I have been to the doctor and been told I am completely healthy with a bit too much anxiety, I still worry about every little thing.

I want to overcome these worries and I don't think I need xanax or zoloft which seems to be the doctor's popular response. I have read that anxiety can be hormonal, biological, etc. The best response is healthy diet and regular exercise. So my question is "Why in the world do I continue to symptom surf instead of getting my butt out of this desk chair to exercise?"

Overclaiming

I picked up a psychology term today: “unconscious overclaiming.” It’s certainly something I’m guilty of. “Unconscious overclaiming” is the phenomenon in which we unconsciously overestimate our contributions or skills relative to other people’s.

This makes sense, because we’re far more aware of what we do than what other people do. I complain about the time I spend cooking and doing dishes, but I overlook the time my husband spends paying bills or dealing with our cars. Also, we tend to concentrate our efforts in the areas that we think are important, so we think our contributions are the more valuable.

It’s easy to see how overclaiming can lead you to an inflated sense of your contribution, and from there, to resentment. Now that I’ve learned about unconscious overclaiming, when I find myself thinking, “I’m the only one around here who bothers to…” or “Why do I always have to be the one who…?” I can try to remind myself of all the tasks I don’t do.

In the article I was reading it discussed a survey where 80% of respondents put themselves in the top 30% of all drivers. Teehee.

Currently I am thinking of the people I know who are SO guilty of overclaiming but would never realize or admit it is something they do. Example: My daughter living at college has 3 roommates. She is constantly complaining about 2 of the girls. Based solely on my daughters recitation of events, all 3 girls (mine included) are overclaimers. "I always clean the bathroom, I always replace the water, I have never done that, You always leave your dishes in the sink". It has led to so much anger and resentment. I think, overclaiming occurs not just in acts we perform but also intelligence, spirituality, enlightenment, emotion, skill, performance, in fact, in nearly everything. It is good to have a strong sense of self but be careful not to become a self-centered, egotistical ass. ahem.

The fact remains though....

I am definitely in the top 30% of all drivers.

Step vs. Adopted

I had lunch with a friend yesterday. She has one very adorable toddler whom she adopted from China over a year ago. We discussed and compared the adaptation required in both adoption and blending steps. It was such an interesting conversation.

There are so many emotions that have not felt natural to me during my 10 years as a step parent. In fact, I refer to them as my dark place because I feel so wrong sometimes in the way I think and behave. The question we volleyed was, "Do you feel the same about your step-child as you do your bio child?" (in her family adopted vs. bio) This wasn't a light conversation - probably my first ever 3 hour lunch!

The result for me was No. The result for her was Not Yet but I feel it changing and have complete faith the answer will be Yes. For me, saying No is "the dark place". I feel like I should love my husband's children as much as I love my own. They have been my stepkids since they were 12, 10 and 4. I feel like after 10 years of raising, loving, disciplining, etc. alongside my own 4 they should all feel the same, right? No. And every time I say No I feel like I must have a defect somehow.

Without going into all the details this is what I think I gleaned from our conversation. Allie is Q's mom. Her only mom...well, the only mom that will kiss boo-boo's and bake cookies and cheer from the sidelines at all her accomplishments. I will never be my step-kids' mom. They have a mom. There will always be confusion about loyalty, boundaries, responsibility, rights, feelings and many other things. That confusion is exactly what creates that chasm keeping me from "owning" them as my children and them from "owning" me as their mom.

As much as this seems to make sense, I still feel like I must be doing something wrong to feel this way.