I had lunch with a friend yesterday. She has one very adorable toddler whom she adopted from China over a year ago. We discussed and compared the adaptation required in both adoption and blending steps. It was such an interesting conversation.
There are so many emotions that have not felt natural to me during my 10 years as a step parent. In fact, I refer to them as my dark place because I feel so wrong sometimes in the way I think and behave. The question we volleyed was, "Do you feel the same about your step-child as you do your bio child?" (in her family adopted vs. bio) This wasn't a light conversation - probably my first ever 3 hour lunch!
The result for me was No. The result for her was Not Yet but I feel it changing and have complete faith the answer will be Yes. For me, saying No is "the dark place". I feel like I should love my husband's children as much as I love my own. They have been my stepkids since they were 12, 10 and 4. I feel like after 10 years of raising, loving, disciplining, etc. alongside my own 4 they should all feel the same, right? No. And every time I say No I feel like I must have a defect somehow.
Without going into all the details this is what I think I gleaned from our conversation. Allie is Q's mom. Her only mom...well, the only mom that will kiss boo-boo's and bake cookies and cheer from the sidelines at all her accomplishments. I will never be my step-kids' mom. They have a mom. There will always be confusion about loyalty, boundaries, responsibility, rights, feelings and many other things. That confusion is exactly what creates that chasm keeping me from "owning" them as my children and them from "owning" me as their mom.
As much as this seems to make sense, I still feel like I must be doing something wrong to feel this way.
first but not last 3 hour lunch with me i hope! ;) i have to reference one of my fave movies here. the other mother (coraline) conundrum ;) does create chaos. how could it not? therefore you are being much too hard on yourself.
ReplyDeletethink about this. i can pour my whole self into q and she can reciprocate because there is no other mother. i do not have to compete for her loyalty, love or affections and likewise she really does not have another option besides me. i'm pretty much it.
sure she has a birthmom halfway across the world who i am sure loved /loves her, but circumstances have dictated that that mommy will never be a part of her life. she's completely out of our picture. so, its just the two of us. 1 mommy, 1 adopted daughter.
i think you, more than most, have truly made your steps your own. your love for them is obvious and your blended family is working. :) unlike my q though your steps truly do have 2 mommies, so naturally loyalties, love and affections will be split 2 ways. that makes your job (throwing yourself wholeheartedly into loving, caring for and raising / influencing them) much, much trickier. you have another mother to deal with! :)
i sincerely think you and yours have done an amazing job of making it work. keep on doing whatever it is your doing, cuz your fam is awesome!!!! :)