Faith and Hope

Putting your faith in anything is difficult. Most people aren’t willing to risk failure or embarrassment for the possibility of success. We want the good life, but aren’t willing to take risks to achieve goals. We avoid potential success because potential failure is worse. Fear of failure outweighs Hope for success.

Fear outweighs Hope?

Similarly, we won’t have faith because misplaced trust can be painful. We don’t want to get hurt. I think everyone has put their trust or faith in someone and been let down. Gotten hurt. Instead of not having faith in just that person anymore, we begin transferring that mistrust in every Faith situation. And you have to admit, just about everything is a Faith situation. Isn't there a saying, "nothing is certain except death and taxes"? Anything that isn't certain requires Faith. How far does one extend that lack of Faith? Atheism?

Fear outweighs Hope and Faith?

It would seem to conquer Fear you would need to strengthen your Hope and Faith. How, then, do you accomplish that? Lack of faith and hope isn't limited to faith in God. I currently struggle with having faith in myself and feeling hopeful about my life in general.

For me: Reading my Bible, being grateful, praying and focusing on others are a few of the ways I feel I increase my hope and faith on a daily basis. I know that when I don't give attention to these things I feel my fears and anxieties rise.

Please leave your suggestions for increasing hope and faith.

I love me some Proverbs

"For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he" (Proverbs 23:7 KJV).

If you say you can, or if you say you cannot do something, you are probably correct either way. You have to believe you are deserving of positive circumstances before good can find you. Our words and thoughts should be positive! Philippians 4:8 says, "Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. (KJV)"

In reflecting on these two verses, I thought about what exactly shapes my thoughts and I realized the answer was EVERYTHING. Television, internet, husband, children, neighbors, friends, weather, health, Bible, etc. So then I thought about which aspects I can control which led me to the thought that some things I can control exposure and others I can only control my response. For example, I can change my response to this rain by thinking how perfect on Earth Day for Him to water the grass naturally! (I will admit this was not my initial response! Give me a break - I am a work in progress.) I can't change the fact that it is raining. But I am now focusing on changing my response, my thoughts are about how to change the influencers around me.

I used to be completely addicted to gossip blogs. I would spend hours each day reading tabloid blogs which made me gossipy in my life. I attacked this "addiction" because of the precious time that was being wasted on a daily basis. I didn't yet recognize the negative impact on my attitude. I was surprised when I realized the result included drastically reducing my desire to gossip. I can definitely control the items I read each day. Starting a daily devotional added to the positive effects of changing my thoughts throughout the day...which of course changes my actions. Change your input to change your attitude. If you seek a positive mind and a positive attitude, you MUST expose yourself to positive information and hang around positive people. If you want to achieve positive, you have to surround yourself with it and live it. Therefore, it's not just information, it's the people in my life as well that influence my thoughts and behaviors.

Have you ever had an incidence wherein your spouse wakes up in a grumpy mood you have a little spat over breakfast and it ruins your whole day. You snap at the kids, can't focus at work and generally feel irritable. How about having lunch with a co-worker who constantly bickers with her husband and is on the brink of divorce. You spend an hour listening to her say negative things about marriage, relationships and well, men in general. You think you are being a "supportive" friend but have you considered the effects on your own thoughts toward marriage or your own husband? Do you ever feel short tempered with your spouse and you can't figure out what they did to tick you off? Ever feel depressed after spending the day with a friend who is feeling depressed? People affect each other. Their moods, thoughts, and actions.

It is said you will be the sum total of the people you associate with. If this is true, we need to sit down and really decide who is the person I want to be. I need to surround myself with those types of people. We may have to decide who we have to cut off in order to move forward in our life. I know that sounds harsh, but you can still love them, just from a bit of a distance. Most of us did this when we started families. Honestly, how many of you had to cut the party animal from college out of your life because your lifestyle had to change to fit your new circumstances? We still like the guy...just from afar! Now, find some people who can inspire you. Just get around some positive. You have to surround yourself with happiness to create happiness. You have to surround yourself with success if you want to create success. If you want to achieve spiritual growth you have to surround yourself with spiritual people and others seeking spiritual growth.

You cannot change what you don't acknowledge, so think about your current circumstances and take ownership for where you are. Be honest and say, "Most everything I have said or done until now has placed me exactly where I am." Once you've owned up to it you'll experience a type of freedom and knowledge that will allow you to make the changes needed to create happiness, success and growth.

Symptom surfing

I think I am anxious by nature. That is, I think my physiology makes me inclined to be an anxious worrier. So many times, my husband has said to me "just don't think about it". Yeah, if it were only that easy. I also believe experience has played its part. I have been afraid of death and dying since my dad died when I was 12. Then, when my mom was diagnosed with cancer 6 years ago my health concerns magnified. Every ache, pain, bump, lump, mole and freckle causes me to worry.

I have discovered that my worst response to this anxiety is symptom surfing. The internet is not the friend of an anxious worrier. When I google "weird hard lump on my hand" I don't focus on the multiple entries that says benign ganglion cyst. No, I keep reading until I find it could be cancer call your doctor right away! As many times as I have been to the doctor and been told I am completely healthy with a bit too much anxiety, I still worry about every little thing.

I want to overcome these worries and I don't think I need xanax or zoloft which seems to be the doctor's popular response. I have read that anxiety can be hormonal, biological, etc. The best response is healthy diet and regular exercise. So my question is "Why in the world do I continue to symptom surf instead of getting my butt out of this desk chair to exercise?"

Overclaiming

I picked up a psychology term today: “unconscious overclaiming.” It’s certainly something I’m guilty of. “Unconscious overclaiming” is the phenomenon in which we unconsciously overestimate our contributions or skills relative to other people’s.

This makes sense, because we’re far more aware of what we do than what other people do. I complain about the time I spend cooking and doing dishes, but I overlook the time my husband spends paying bills or dealing with our cars. Also, we tend to concentrate our efforts in the areas that we think are important, so we think our contributions are the more valuable.

It’s easy to see how overclaiming can lead you to an inflated sense of your contribution, and from there, to resentment. Now that I’ve learned about unconscious overclaiming, when I find myself thinking, “I’m the only one around here who bothers to…” or “Why do I always have to be the one who…?” I can try to remind myself of all the tasks I don’t do.

In the article I was reading it discussed a survey where 80% of respondents put themselves in the top 30% of all drivers. Teehee.

Currently I am thinking of the people I know who are SO guilty of overclaiming but would never realize or admit it is something they do. Example: My daughter living at college has 3 roommates. She is constantly complaining about 2 of the girls. Based solely on my daughters recitation of events, all 3 girls (mine included) are overclaimers. "I always clean the bathroom, I always replace the water, I have never done that, You always leave your dishes in the sink". It has led to so much anger and resentment. I think, overclaiming occurs not just in acts we perform but also intelligence, spirituality, enlightenment, emotion, skill, performance, in fact, in nearly everything. It is good to have a strong sense of self but be careful not to become a self-centered, egotistical ass. ahem.

The fact remains though....

I am definitely in the top 30% of all drivers.

Step vs. Adopted

I had lunch with a friend yesterday. She has one very adorable toddler whom she adopted from China over a year ago. We discussed and compared the adaptation required in both adoption and blending steps. It was such an interesting conversation.

There are so many emotions that have not felt natural to me during my 10 years as a step parent. In fact, I refer to them as my dark place because I feel so wrong sometimes in the way I think and behave. The question we volleyed was, "Do you feel the same about your step-child as you do your bio child?" (in her family adopted vs. bio) This wasn't a light conversation - probably my first ever 3 hour lunch!

The result for me was No. The result for her was Not Yet but I feel it changing and have complete faith the answer will be Yes. For me, saying No is "the dark place". I feel like I should love my husband's children as much as I love my own. They have been my stepkids since they were 12, 10 and 4. I feel like after 10 years of raising, loving, disciplining, etc. alongside my own 4 they should all feel the same, right? No. And every time I say No I feel like I must have a defect somehow.

Without going into all the details this is what I think I gleaned from our conversation. Allie is Q's mom. Her only mom...well, the only mom that will kiss boo-boo's and bake cookies and cheer from the sidelines at all her accomplishments. I will never be my step-kids' mom. They have a mom. There will always be confusion about loyalty, boundaries, responsibility, rights, feelings and many other things. That confusion is exactly what creates that chasm keeping me from "owning" them as my children and them from "owning" me as their mom.

As much as this seems to make sense, I still feel like I must be doing something wrong to feel this way.