Parenting as a Behavioral Science

There are traits in each of my children that I have been witnessing since they were young - even toddlers. These are negative traits that I am mentioning although they also have many wonderful traits. I just feel like recently my big peoples lives' are being greatly affected by the behaviors associated with these negative personality traits.

Ariele is stubborn and arrogant. Has been since she was very little. I think these traits are why she is succeeding in college. However, I also think these traits hinder her ability to make and keep close relationships. As long as she has topical relationships she is good. She made lots of acquaintances at college but no real friends. Real relationships take a type of selflessness that she doesn't possess. Or maybe, a selflessness that she is unable to sustain would be a better way to describe her.

Hunter lacks motivation and is lazy. Because he is so laid back, he makes friends easily and I'm sure he is popular at parties. The no responsibilities fun guy. However, he is living in a college town working at a sub shop NOT going to college. He convinces himself that he is happy in his lifestyle because to be otherwise would take planning and work.

Hayden has low self esteem. I think this leads to a fear of failure and fear of rejection. If Hayden tries something and fails, you can be assured she will not try it again. Also, she chooses relationships with other people who are struggling to overcome personal issues....usually issues that are MUCH worse than her own.

Through all the experiences I wonder is this a physiological result or a learned behavior? Is this something I could have altered in raising my kids or would I have been just fighting the tide?

I know I have struggled with my own self destructive behaviors. I think at times I blame my parents/childhood for my failures especially in emotional areas. But I can't help but wonder, is it genetic? Is low self-esteem genetic? Laziness? Stubbornness?

Your thoughts?

Desperate

I am a fan of "Desperate Housewives." Give me a break. I can identify with 40 year old housewives in a sitcom. So sue me! In one particular episode, Lynette has an epiphany watching all her neighbors head out for church on Sunday morning. She goes to Bree's church and at the end of the sermon she raises her hand. She has questions. Bree is humiliated and respectfully asks Lynette to take her family to another church because you go to church for answers - not to ask questions. It culminates in a conversation with Bree where she says, "I've had a tough couple of months. I survived cancer AND a tornado and I want to know why. Why did I survive when so many haven't...didn't."

It's interesting. My question would also include why did she have cancer in the first place. You know only 10 percent of smokers end up with lung cancer even though smoking is the number one cause of lung cancer. Only 10%. Why did my mom end up with lung cancer? I was there when the doctors grimly told me that she only had a 20% chance of living. People say you have to have a positive attitude. You have to believe you will beat it. My mom had neither. I held her frail hand when she cried out to die. In agony from the pain of the fight she cried out to God to let her die. I cried when she looked me straight in the eye and said she didn't have anything to live for. Let me repeat that. My mother looked me square in the face and said she had nothing to live for. I don't believe her attitude or her beliefs made a difference. I believe in the Lord our God. He has a plan. She has lived for over 5 years since her surgery...over 6 years since her diagnosis. I started going to church almost 6 years ago for the same reason as Lynette. I had questions.

I still don't have all the answers but I have more peace than I have ever felt in my adult life. It's a good start.

It's a Wonderful Life!

"What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I'd realized it sooner." --Colette.

I love this quote. I read it frequently to remind myself to count my blessings and to focus on all the positive in my life.

It hasn't been difficult to focus on the positive lately. Ariele and Hayden have done wonderfully this year in college. Ariele comes home this weekend. My littles are finishing up a great school year. The weather has been beautiful. I am eagerly anticipating summer fun. Hunter is making very positive, life changing decisions. Arty is keeping busy. We finally rented the Gardner house.

As I have pondered "attitude of gratitude" one of the realizations I have come to is that attitude affects everything. And recently I added not only does attitude affect everything but self-esteem affects attitude. Meaning:

positive self-esteem = positive attitude = gratefulness = happiness

I have been thinking about self-esteem. I have many teenagers in my house. Do you remember struggling to find your identity as a teen? It is interesting how much false bravado and pretend esteem kids exhibit. I understand it and I don't. What I want to teach my kids is you don't get healthy self-esteem from constantly telling yourself how great you are, or even from other people telling you how great you are. You get healthy self-esteem from behaving in ways that you find estimable. In other words, the best way to feel better about yourself is to do something worthy of your own respect: keep a difficult resolution, meet a challenge, solve a problem, learn a skill, cross something unpleasant off your to-do list. And one of the best ways to feel better about yourself is to help someone else. I find that when I do good -- I feel good.

As you think about this, remember that it doesn't have to be a huge commitment. It can be something really small. For instance, I derive immense satisfaction when I happen to notice trash in the street or the park and I pick it up, when I remember to use my green bags at the grocery store, when I smile at a stranger and they smile back, or I give the teenage busboy at Pizza Street a $5 tip not just because he did his job but because he was so friendly while he did it.

So try it yourself; throw away someone else's trash or say a kind word and brighten someone's day. "Do good, feel good" is a happiness truism that really is true. Act like a considerate citizen of the world, and you'll boost your self-esteem.

Resolution or Goal?

I think I may have been looking at this the wrong way. I read something this morning that got me thinking about the difference between goals and resolutions. The biggest difference is you achieve a goal and you keep a resolution. Understanding the difference will change how you approach the situation.

Some objectives are better characterized as resolutions, others, as goals. "Run in a marathon" or "Become fluent in Spanish" is a goal. It’s specific. It’s easy to tell when it has been achieved. Once you’ve done it, you’ve done it! "Write daily" or "Stop gossiping," or "Exercise" is better cast as a resolution. You won’t wake up one morning and find that you’ve achieved it. It’s something that you have to resolve to do, every day, forever. You’ll never be done with it.

It can be easy to get discouraged when you’re trying to hit a goal. What if it takes longer than you expected? What if it’s harder than you expected? And what happens once you’ve reached your goal? Say you’ve run the marathon. What now – do you stop exercising? Do you set a new goal?

With resolutions, the expectations are different and being discouraged can come easier and more frequent. Each day, I try to live up to my resolutions. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I fail. To not get discouraged I need to see each day as a clean slate and a fresh opportunity. I never expect to be done with my resolutions, so I try not to get discouraged when they stay challenging. Which they do.

For example, I made a resolution to practice an attitude of gratitude. Each day I have to re-commit to this resolution. It takes a lot of self-discipline to keep a resolution and to continue to commit day after day especially in the face of adversity or failure. I had a bad day yesterday. It is extremely difficult to be grateful all day when my day was consumed with laundry and errands and events at kids’ schools. So I failed. No problem. Today, I have a clean slate and the opportunity to improve.

What got me thinking about this is my resolution to blog. My mindset was that of it being a goal. I found myself feeling frustrated that I wasn’t achieving anything. There was no end. I was feeling discouraged. But now I have shifted my mindset. Writing needs to be a resolution for me. It needs to be something without end that I commit to accomplish each day.

Current resolutions - attitude of gratitude, blogging, exercise, weight control

Current goals - read Bible, learn to StandUp Paddleboard, take a photography class

SAHM

I think stay-at-home moms are pitied. Women and men alike wonder how it is possible that a woman whose job it is to keep house and raise children can have no other ambition. How can we not want to be outside the home "having a career and a life". How can we have no desire to earn an income so that more "stuff" can be bought. In many cases, single income families have to scrimp and budget (do without more stuff) to be able to live on that single income. I find myself being defensive whenever the subject of my employment is brought up. I go on about the "sacrifice" I make to raise responsible, respectful children. But most times I also find it difficult to explain what makes it so worthwhile to me.

So I was thinking about this and here is what I came up with. I always allude to this big sacrifice. As if I have ambition and I am giving it all up to raise my kids. Truth is, there is no sacrifice. I love my children, yes. But it is so much more than that. Do you love your job? Do the people you work with show up every day happy to be there? Excited to start a new day? In my opinion, children are happy and grown-ups are not. You think to yourself, of course children are happy...they don't have to work, pay bills, watch what they eat, etc. True. But when was the last time you got pure joy watching a fluffy bunny hop across your front yard? When you walk past your flowers in the spring are they just SO beautiful to you that you have to pick just one? When is the last time you made a free throw and danced around your driveway like you just won the championship game?

These are the things that lead to my job satisfaction. I would be truly miserable to know that I missed out on my chance to be their witness . My kids don't want to go to sleep at night. They are ready to get up in the morning. They play games! They love to pretend. Have you ever watched a bunch of little girls "playing house". There are no rules. All the kids are making it up as they go and it just works! Kids also know they don't know it all. They enjoy finding out they don't know something and learning about it. Ever watch a little boy walk through a field or down a creek bed? It is a wonderland of things to discover! As adults, we can not easily admit we are wrong or unknowledgeable...especially at our jobs! The most exciting thing is seeing old things through young eyes. My kids don't take things for granted and they appreciate the little things. But even more exciting is they appreciate the big things adults seem to ignore. For example, the seasons. Do you excitedly wait for that first snowflake so you can run out and make angels? My kids love the rain and carrying umbrellas. It makes Jill feel "fancy"! LOL. How about you? Are you excited to feel fancy carrying an umbrella or are you just thinking about how it will make you late for work? They get joy in the sunny days that they can spend outside at the park or in the pool.

Fortunately, I realize that my days are numbered so I am holding on tightly to my ambition which is to be a SAHM (stay-at-home mom.) I get to witness my kids' amazement as they discover this world. The day they become adults and are too embarrassed or too busy to drop and make a snow angel after that first dusting of snow comes way too quickly. I'm HAPPY to be at my job today. How about you?

I want a Touchdown Dance!

No one ever said it would be easy. Actually, no one ever said anything. There is a line in the movie "Parenthood" that I think about ...

Keanu Reeves character says, "You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car - hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father."

I'm not dissing on dad's here. I have actually said to one of my kids "wait just a second and let me check the mom-manual.....oh yeah...they didn't give me one. I'm doing the best I can so just back off!" Nice, huh!?

I'm having a hard week, I mean month, wait...I mean year. I have one kid that has dropped out of college, one that is contemplating sex, one that is being punished for bad grades, several that are disrespectful at times, 2 that are starting high school in August, one that won't stop whining all the time, one that lies constantly about anything and everything, etc.

The hardest thing, I think, is doing what is right. Keeping your eye on the prize and doing what it takes to raise a happy, healthy, productive, moral, responsible adult. Having the child that you love hate you or think you are being mean or unfair, even if only temporarily, hurts. It is the type of hurt that makes you question yourself. Am I a good parent or am I raising a felon? Am I a good person? Would my friends be supportive or shocked? Is my husband on my side? These are hard questions to face and when you're feeling sad and hurt it is so easy to get on the "pity pot" and start affirming all of your self doubt. OMG! I AM a bad mother. I AM a horrible person who loses her temper. My husband IS going to leave me because I am SO horrible to his children. (Okay...that last one is a bit extreme...I've thought it but I don't think I have actually ever believed it.)

I don't really believe you should have to have a license but I believe in the sentiment. Sadly, I think by the time you get the hang of it you have grandchildren. Even sadder, all that wisdom you have acquired through all those years of trial and error is widely ignored and rarely solicited and you get to sit back and watch your children make the same mistakes with their children.

Truth is, there's no such thing as the perfect parent. But if I try, if I work at it and really commit, I hope I can take comfort in knowing that I've done my best to give my kids the opportunity for a good life.

The other line in that movie that I love - Jason Robard's character explains parenting to his son, Steve Martin's character, "There is no end, you never cross the goal line, spike the ball and do your touchdown dance." Being a mother is my full time job. I have settled for the fact that I will not get a paycheck or a raise, I will never get a promotion, I don't get vacation days and I rarely get a "you're doing a great job, thanks." Now I realize no retirement!? No touchdown dance!? Dang!

Seriously, if you haven't seen the movie "Parenthood" you should see it. It is an early Ron Howard masterpiece. A great mix of comedy and drama.


"If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son who will not obey the voice of his father or the voice of his mother, and, though they discipline him, will not listen to them, then his father and his mother shall take hold of him and bring him out to the elders of his city at the gate of the place where he lives, and they shall say to the elders of his city, 'This our son is stubborn and rebellious; he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton and a drunkard.' Then all the men of the city shall stone him to death with stones. " Deuteronomy 21:18-21

(My punishments seem mild in comparison!)

Extreme Parenting

Extreme parenting is executed by moms and dads who are going to increasingly desperate lengths to give their children a head start over their peers. It's madness. Take a good, honest look at yourself? Are you guilty? Have you:

done your child's homework or project? (Misspell a word to make it look authentic?)

driven over 100 miles in one day shuffling your child from one activity to another?

called your child in sick so they could stay home and finish their project so it wouldn't be counted late?

bought your child anything/everything they need to fit in? (i.e. brand name clothes, makeup, cell phone, i-pod)

It seems we are so anxious to get it right, to have the most high-achieving children and to be seen to be doing it all effortlessly, that we have lost our perspective. We've resorted to deceit and corruption, and have come to view other parents as competitors rather than allies. I have passed off store bought food as my own so as not to admit to the other mothers that I can't do it all! Ha!

What I notice is that we are over-protecting our children when they are young and not allowing them to hang out with their peer group, fend for themselves, make mistakes and get a bit streetwise. In their teens, they expect a lot of freedom, which is so much of a contrast to their previous life that it's almost impossible for them to have formed the judgment they need. Sadly, the mistakes they make as teenagers usually have a lot bigger consequences than those mistakes made on the playground of elementary school.

Here are good parenting techniques I feel like we accomplish:

Communication, Respect, Saying I love you, lecturing/grounding, just saying no.

Here are the bad parenting techniques I feel like we accomplish:

Inconsistent punishment, over-lecturing, consistent sibling rules, creating responsibility.

Now that I have teens, I realize what I should have been striving for was influence instead of control. As kids grow, you can maintain influence, you do NOT get to maintain control. Now that some of my kids have "control" of their own lives I realize I don't have as much influence as I need to finish my job of guiding them into a happy, productive adulthood.

Anyway, here are examples of mine and Arty's extreme parenting. Let me be clear - I think these are mistakes and yet to this very minute we continue to parent using these techniques.

We will not allow a child to make a D or F on a report card. We micro-manage school work to make sure this doesn't happen rather than allowing the inevitable to happen and punishing mightily.

We make our teenage children call us constantly. When they get to work, before they leave work, when they arrive at their friend's house, if they leave to go anywhere, if they don't leave school immediately, if they are one minute late getting home, etc.

Will you post one of your extreme parenting "mistakes"?