I had a horrible day yesterday. Ariele called crying and upset. Jill was sick and running a fever. Kayla -- happy as a lark...as usual! :) Oh how I envy Kayla her natural disposition. Ariele and I often make fun of Kayla because her happy-go-lucky attitude often presents itself as airheadedness or "blondeness" as we tease her. As if she is a dumb blonde. This couldn't be further from the truth. I truly envy her ability to always see the silver lining and focus on the happy and good in every situation. I adore her sweet soul and creative nature. I love that kid.
But Ariele being upset and Jill being sick really did a number on me. I was over the top anxious. By last night, I was just done. I think I must have even slept tense because when I woke up this morning, my muscles, back, neck, everything was just so sore. I worry WAY too much. I worry about things normal people don't worry about. I worry about things I can not change. If worrying were an Olympic sport, I'm sure I could be a gold medalist. I try, I really try to talk myself down or through it but my mind creates the most ridiculous scenarios and then I just can't let go of them. But today, God gave me a little perspective.
At 6am today my friends arrived at the hospital with their 4 year old deaf child for her scheduled open heart surgery. Seriously!? I am worried about my 3 girls who are 19, 14 and 10 hanging out at the beach with 6 adults. (7 if you count the adult that is my oldest child!) I feel ashamed that I was so wrapped up in my perceived stressful circumstance when they are having an ACTUAL crisis. I think about the past few days, lamenting my tiny worries to this woman who has been preparing for OPEN HEART SURGERY.
The word that comes to mind to describe myself: DOLT
The urban dictionary defines dolt as "A mental retard who is clueless not only about current events, but also has the IQ level of a rock." Yeah, it fits.
I'm sorry Al, I have not been a good friend. I'm praying for you guys and sending every good and strong vibe I have to little Q.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Sunday, July 11, 2010
8 days to go
I am having physical symptoms of anxiety. Headache, inability to focus on a task, upset stomach, tiredness. But so far, I haven't had an actual breakdown.
The kids arrived safely in Florida this morning about 5:30am. Ariele called to let me know that Jill was complaining of a headache and upset stomach. I assume it is just overtiredness combined with car sickness and excitement. I'm praying that is all it is. On the plus side, more adults arrived just moments ago...one of them is the girls' aunt who is a nurse! Praises! That helps ease my mind and worry a tad!
Yesterday. I went auctioning but no treasures were found. Library. Found a book and a couple movies to help keep me occupied. Jaime. Went to visit and check out her new paint job. Looks good. Hung out and chatted for a couple hours too. Always fun and a great distraction. Dinner with Arty and Riley. Fish tacos - yummy! We stopped by a friend of Arty's birthday party. It was weird but okay. I can now count myself as one of those parents who took their young child to a kegger. I'm proud ;)
Today. We went to church. I wore a dress to try to cheer myself up. But then twin 2 year olds screamed in each of my ears for an hour and the mood was shot. Couldn't sit still thru Ken's sermon. I considered painting today...but then the rainy crappy day just shot my planned productivity to heck and I ended up watching TV for the past 3 hours while I reclined on the couch.
I miss the girls.
Riley is bored. (She has told me 10 times today at least)
Arty is, where else, in the basement.
I hope this isn't a peek into what the rest of the week will be like.
The kids arrived safely in Florida this morning about 5:30am. Ariele called to let me know that Jill was complaining of a headache and upset stomach. I assume it is just overtiredness combined with car sickness and excitement. I'm praying that is all it is. On the plus side, more adults arrived just moments ago...one of them is the girls' aunt who is a nurse! Praises! That helps ease my mind and worry a tad!
Yesterday. I went auctioning but no treasures were found. Library. Found a book and a couple movies to help keep me occupied. Jaime. Went to visit and check out her new paint job. Looks good. Hung out and chatted for a couple hours too. Always fun and a great distraction. Dinner with Arty and Riley. Fish tacos - yummy! We stopped by a friend of Arty's birthday party. It was weird but okay. I can now count myself as one of those parents who took their young child to a kegger. I'm proud ;)
Today. We went to church. I wore a dress to try to cheer myself up. But then twin 2 year olds screamed in each of my ears for an hour and the mood was shot. Couldn't sit still thru Ken's sermon. I considered painting today...but then the rainy crappy day just shot my planned productivity to heck and I ended up watching TV for the past 3 hours while I reclined on the couch.
I miss the girls.
Riley is bored. (She has told me 10 times today at least)
Arty is, where else, in the basement.
I hope this isn't a peek into what the rest of the week will be like.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Over the top anxiety
So, the 3 Daniel girls left last night. They will be hitting the road with their dad today driving 18 hours to Florida where they will stay until next Sunday. I am freaking out just a little bit. Okay...a lot. My anxiety is 3-fold...
1st - I have never been away from Jillian for more than 2 days. This summer is the first time Kayla and I have been separated when she went to camp for a week so I'm still a newbie having her gone too. In all the years of our divorce, my ex has never executed his right to have the girls for 2 weeks in the summer. Not Ever. Not once in 10 years. So being separated from not 1 but 3 of my girls for all or part of 10 days I fear may be excruciating for me.
2nd - Safety. Their plan is to drive 18 hours straight through to Florida. I worry horribly about their safety. I worry about Ariele driving. I worry they won't wear their seatbelts. I'm worried they'll stop at a gas station and Kayla will go to the bathroom by herself. I'm worried about whoever drives at night staying awake. Plus, when they get there...I'm worried Jill won't wear a life jacket. I'm worried Kayla will get sunburned horribly. (I could go on and on and on!)
3rd - I worry about them visiting their dying grandfather. I have tried to prepare them for the situation. What they are going to see since Ed is in the advanced stages of lung cancer. He already has hospice, he starts radiation on Monday, he has oxygen in the home, etc. But I have also tried to prepare them for the feelings they will see and feel among their family members. Having had such a traumatic death experience when I was young and knowing how deeply affected I was I am truly worried about how my girls will process the events in the coming days....especially with only their dad to console and guide them through the experience.
Right now, I am so keyed up I actually have buzzing in my ears!
I know part of the plan needs to be distraction. It hasn't been just me and a single child since Ariele was 4! So I am trying to organize fun things for Riley and I to do since I don't have to consider the expense of me plus 7 kids! At the moment I am too overwhelmed with worry but I did manage to jot down a few ideas. Also, I plan to have a really clean house by next Sunday! In addition, I am hoping to paint at least 1 bedroom this week...hopefully 3 bedrooms and 1 bathroom. We'll see how that goes!
So it begins. 10 days.
Dear God, please watch over my kids as they travel (Seadon too - she is going to New York with her mom), be with them through this week and bring them home safely. Also, please be with Ed and Linda and all of their family and friends. I pray that Ed believes in You, our Lord, and that he will be at peace in Your kingdom. I pray for Linda that she will have family and friends around her to help and that you will be with her as she struggles through this difficult time and the loss of her husband. Amen.
1st - I have never been away from Jillian for more than 2 days. This summer is the first time Kayla and I have been separated when she went to camp for a week so I'm still a newbie having her gone too. In all the years of our divorce, my ex has never executed his right to have the girls for 2 weeks in the summer. Not Ever. Not once in 10 years. So being separated from not 1 but 3 of my girls for all or part of 10 days I fear may be excruciating for me.
2nd - Safety. Their plan is to drive 18 hours straight through to Florida. I worry horribly about their safety. I worry about Ariele driving. I worry they won't wear their seatbelts. I'm worried they'll stop at a gas station and Kayla will go to the bathroom by herself. I'm worried about whoever drives at night staying awake. Plus, when they get there...I'm worried Jill won't wear a life jacket. I'm worried Kayla will get sunburned horribly. (I could go on and on and on!)
3rd - I worry about them visiting their dying grandfather. I have tried to prepare them for the situation. What they are going to see since Ed is in the advanced stages of lung cancer. He already has hospice, he starts radiation on Monday, he has oxygen in the home, etc. But I have also tried to prepare them for the feelings they will see and feel among their family members. Having had such a traumatic death experience when I was young and knowing how deeply affected I was I am truly worried about how my girls will process the events in the coming days....especially with only their dad to console and guide them through the experience.
Right now, I am so keyed up I actually have buzzing in my ears!
I know part of the plan needs to be distraction. It hasn't been just me and a single child since Ariele was 4! So I am trying to organize fun things for Riley and I to do since I don't have to consider the expense of me plus 7 kids! At the moment I am too overwhelmed with worry but I did manage to jot down a few ideas. Also, I plan to have a really clean house by next Sunday! In addition, I am hoping to paint at least 1 bedroom this week...hopefully 3 bedrooms and 1 bathroom. We'll see how that goes!
So it begins. 10 days.
Dear God, please watch over my kids as they travel (Seadon too - she is going to New York with her mom), be with them through this week and bring them home safely. Also, please be with Ed and Linda and all of their family and friends. I pray that Ed believes in You, our Lord, and that he will be at peace in Your kingdom. I pray for Linda that she will have family and friends around her to help and that you will be with her as she struggles through this difficult time and the loss of her husband. Amen.
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