I have been witness to my fair share of relationship woes. Sadly, I will admit that in the heat of the moment I am prone to thinking I am right and everyone else sucks. Or, "If everyone would just listen to me and do what I say then life would be so much easier and happier!" The husband and I went to a marriage conference this past weekend. In our first breakout session, the leader/counselor says to us "90% of what you say is not in the words." I think YES! This is exactly what I have been saying to Arty for YEARS!!! I look over to get a high five for how right I have been and guess what!? He wasn't impressed by my cockiness and I did not get a high five!
What I have discovered is it is better to be a little wrong than absolutely right and alone. It's true that people do not like a know it all. In addition, I have realized that no one is ever truly THAT right because everyone has their own opinion and perspective. Further, even if I am doing one thing right, I can rest assured that I am doing at least 2 wrong.
If you're having lots of relationship problems — and repeatedly thinking "I'M OKAY. EVERYBODY ELSE SUCKS!" — then it's time to start wondering what YOU might be contributing to the "people problems" around you.
Consider saying these "tongue twisters":
"How do you see things?"
"Did I hurt your feelings?"
"How could I better empathize with what you're going through?"
"You talk first — because I really want to hear how you feel and understand better."
"I want to know how I have contributed to your hurt and/or anger."
"I'm sorry."
"I apologize."
(Those last two seem to be especially hard!)
It's really all about empathy. The counselor suggested rather than trying to be right, we should focus on trying to be understanding and be a good listener. My husband asked, "But what if you don't agree with your spouse?" (Hah! He is like me - we like to be right.) The answer - empathy is not reliant on consensus. You don't have to agree with why I am angry to feel badly that I AM angry. Sometimes saying "I'm sorry that you are upset" (and meaning it!) is all it takes.
Lastly, if someone takes the time to apologize to you, and expresses how they want to move past a conflict — let go! Release your anger. A loving and forgiving heart is the key to all successful relationships.
ROCK ON GIRLFRIEND, ROCK ON! can i say here that i concur? (ha ha!) i have said those very words to brent before. that i just NEED him to UNDERSTAND me. he doesn't even have to agree or disagree in that moment; he can make up his mind later as long as he can empathize with why i feel so miserable and rotten and send a little grace my way! ;) when your heart is hurting you just need that affirmation that no matter what you are cherished and loved. sorta like god does for us all of the time!
ReplyDeletealso very well said, we need to recognize when WE (me, myself and otherwise i) are the common denominator in a repetitive conflict / problem situation and try our very best to gain some new perspective so we do not continue to perpetuate / fight a losing battle. ;)
About being "right", which I think is sometimes a synonym for "the truth".. I watch a sitcom called "Lie to Me". In it, the lead character is asked to take the oath in a court of law to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth... to which he balks. He looks at the judge who's waiting..and says.. I can't do that now, can I? Truth is subjective. And the judge replies.. Well how about you promise to be honest. "Now you're talking" He replies.
ReplyDeleteSo sometimes right to you IS right, but it's not right to someone else.