Finding time in the mundane.

I had the opportunity in Sunday school class to get insight from parents who raised some pretty terrific kids. They were the parents of my dear friends Shon and Jenny Yust. Our discussion was regarding how to focus more time on family. There were 2 things that I don't want to forget so I decided to blog about it.



1. Find time in the mundane tasks. This isn't how Jen's dad said it but it was how I took it. He talked about how growing up on a farm whenever he had to go to town he'd grab a kid or two and load them up in the truck and take them along for the ride. He talked about the conversations and the things he would learn during those moments. He also shared how sometimes they would play games or use imagination to pretend their truck was an airplane and they were headed to a far away land instead of the feed store!

It made me think of how I always try to figure out how to run my errands without kids. How my focus is almost always on how much faster I could get things done if I could just go by myself. In the past, I have waited and gone to the grocery store at 11 o'clock at night just to be able to go alone.



2. Finding hobbies to do together.

Arty and I couldn't think of a hobby for which we both share a passion we could share with our kids.


I welled up with emotion when Shon's dad shared that his children are his single greatest accomplishment. If he had one regret, it was that he didn't spend more time with his kids. Even more specifically, he wished he had spent more time having FUN with his kids.


I want to find moments to share with my girls in the mundane tasks of my life. I want to find hobbies and activities to share together. And most important, I want to always feel grateful for my family and believe they are my greatest accomplishment.


It was a good weekend. I had fun with my husband and kids.

The Unintentional Status Update

The unintentional status update is when you read between the lines. A friend posted a new photo album this week. "Valentines Party 2012 - Bow ties and Boas" All her friends were there and they had a BLAST! Interesting. I was NOT there. Unintentional update - "We're not really friends. But we can still be FB friends. Have a great day!"

Pathetic effort.

So, I thought I could use Pinterest to boost my effort to write more frequently. Epic fail. It amazed me, though, how thoroughly linking something I liked, Pinterest, to something I procrastinated, writing, sucked the fun and attention right out of the thing I liked. I can't tell you the last time I logged on to pinterest. Aversion therapy at its finest. I remember the Lung Association coming to a place I worked to do a workshop on smoking cessation. This was about 20 years ago and although I went to the class I really had no intention of quitting smoking. Aversion therapy was one of their methods. They referred to it as negative association. The idea was that you wear a rubber band around your wrist and every time you thought of smoking you would SNAP the crap out of your own arm. Therefore, creating the negative association of pain and smoking. Yeah, I didn't try it. In fact, I'm pretty sure I mocked the people who did try it. I wonder if I could use aversion therapy to sever ties with Facebook the way I cut off pinterest. Hmmmm.

I think I must try.

I will write commentary on things people post on Facebook. My goal is to write once a week. Seems easy enough, right? Well, it hasn't been. How can I love to write and yet when I try to write consistently it becomes something I avoid like cleaning the toilets!?

Hopefully one of two things will happen here. Either I will begin to write more consistently or I will begin to avoid Facebook. I would consider either outcome a win.


Good luck.

Ridiculous!

I hope that all my Pinterest endeavors aren't this difficult.

















So I was mega excited about my first choice - Spice clips. I thought it was simple with the potential for exemplary impact and success. Mostly because this is my plethora of spices:





Ridiculous! Let me just say. Of this lot, I use 5 or maybe 6 of these on a regular basis. We are not great cooks in this house but we get by and most of us do NOT bake. I find that if you bake, you eat and while I am a fan of the eating I am not a friend to the after effects. I was surprised to find in my supplies: corriander (no idea what to put this on), cream of tartar - it does not go on fish - at least not in its powdered state, and STICK cinnamon - I have no recollection of this entering our home. But those don't get to me as much as these: 4 bottles of cloves, FOUR! 2 gigantic bottles of dried sage, 2 cumin, 2 poppy seed, 2 dill weed and 2 ginger. OMG! And! AND...we have enough freaking ground cinnamon to hand down to my children's children's children. I am not kidding!

Great. Simple, easy selection to ease myself into this writing gig. Uhhhh, fail. I went out with Arty to pick up my super handy spice clips and after 2 hours and 3 stores, nada. Nope, they didn't exist. Home Depot, Target, Bed-Bath, not a single clip strip (trying to copyright this handy dandy term as it seems no one has heard of it but it sounds like marketing magic to me!) to be found.

No problem, Google or Amazon will hook me up. Problem...they are on back order. What the heck! Did everyone on Pinterest have the same spice conundrum as me?? Dang it! But then...wait a minute. It must be said - I love google. Spice organizer. Check. Images. Check. WOW! Look at all these options. So 45 minutes later I have placed my order and finally! today I have my first installment.

Voila!!





And guess what...they are in alphabetical order! Gasp!!


So, I still plan to use the spice clips (when they get here sometime in February). I am going to put my fave 6 most used spices in the clips. They are, in alphabetical order, creole seasoning, garlic salt, (perfect pinch) parmesan herb, popcorn seasoning - white cheddar, (grill mates) roasted garlic & herb and (morton's) season all. PSA - the white cheddar is only 2 calories per serving. B00-Yah! (or however that is spelled).

Whew. Honestly, that was stressful. But my spices are alphabetical so there ya go. This gets a resounding thumbs up for me.

Next up.....









It's time to fix those knotted, uncomfortable fleece blankets that we don't use because without fail those knots get up under ya and creep into those dark nether regions where blanket knots do not belong.

Pinterest - it Peaks my Interest

I have decided to attempt to choose 52 things (projects, recipes, styles, whatever) from Pinterest and execute rather than just browse. I got this idea because I stumbled across a photography tip for capturing a great pic of the Christmas tree. It worked so well that I decided it may be a worthy idea to put this into practice on a regular basis. You know, actually do something instead of just surfing the internet. Novel idea, right? So in the name of A.J. Jacobs, my favorite stunt writer, I am going to write about what I do.

I am following 35 people on Pinterest. Those 35 people have "pinned" 72,657 items. When you start up, pinterest gives you several people to start following. Of course, many of those suggested friends have over five thousand pins and are probably considered "Power Pinterest Users" or something like that. It seems like such a waste of time if you aren't going to use the ideas you've pinned and who can possibly have tried the 11,934 things they've pinned (Gift Guru).

Of my 35 following - 24 are people I actually know in real life. This includes my daughter and her best friend from high school, several ladies from my church and even my pastor! Those 24 people have only pinned 5,311 items with the most for any one person being 2,204. The least was zero.

In an effort to waste less time on the internet, find something and follow through on my intentions and write more (3 of my New Year's resolutions), I am going to pick one thing each week for 52 weeks put it into use then blog about the process and results. I will each week in my blog give you the pin (which you will also see if you follow me on Pinterest) that I am planning for the next week.

Here we go -- (feel free to join in and try my ideas and/or suggest pins you think I should try.)

Week 1

Girls, girls, girls

When I was younger, pregnant with my first child, I had hoped that I would have boys. What can I say? It is what I knew. Growing up with 3 brothers (ZERO sisters)I knew about sports, frogs, tree climbing, fort building, wrestling moves and championship distance spitting among other things. To say I was a tomboy is pretty accurate although my mom tried to girl me up with dance lessons. In the end, I think it was the nerd in me that won out over tomboy and girly-girl. Which is cool. I'm pretty okay with my nerd status.

It was frightening to me having the first daughter -- especially because she could definitely be described as a girly-girl. But then I had 2 more girls, followed by 2 step daughters, then ending with...yep, you guessed it, one more baby girl.

6 girls total. The reality is that as usual my fears were unfounded. My daughters have been the greatest gift. These girls have taught me so much about myself as a woman and have been my greatest source of pride and joy.

Today I was reminded of one of my favorite things about girls: giggling. We went to see Santa at Bass Pro and I scared Jill with a giant stuffed grizzly bear. Like a real one that has been killed then stuffed. You know...what is the word....taxidermy! It was silly but Jill, Riley and I just melted into a fit of giggles. It was so sweet. We had the best time my 2 littlest girlsies and me.

Challenge!

I'm right a lot. With 7 kids I get to be right. A LOT. In fact, many times even when I'm wrong I still get to be right. (I love that about parenthood.) I believe that at times I am so used to being "right" that I forget that I could actually be wrong. That is scary because I am neither that smart nor that experienced.

I will find myself making things up just to see if anyone will challenge the validity of what I am saying. I actually want to be challenged. I want someone to say, "Michelle, you are full of shit. And here are the 18 reasons why."

So, why do I want to be challenged? I started thinking about this last night. Hmm.

• I want to mix it up. Debate. Argue. I think it is stimulating. I find it stimulating in the way some people find jumping out of an airplane with a parachute stimulating. Thrilling, exciting, jumping into the unknown! Am I going to crash?? No! I know what I am talking about here! YES! The parachute has opened and I am floating gently to the ground.

• I want to learn. I feel like I stretch myself and my thinking the most when I get input from others. I especially grow when those other people don't necessarily think the way I do. Also, when I add their experiences to my own I think my knowledge expands to include their horizons.

But most of all --

• I'm tired. I'm tired of making the decisions. Sometimes, I feel like I want to say, "I don't really know what I'm doing here...you take over." I don't know what to fix for dinner, I don't know what punishment to levee for lying, I don't know what the right age is for wearing makeup, dating, having a cell phone or getting a credit/debit card. I don't know how to tell people no without hurting their feelings. I don't know if we should replace the carpet in the living room or re-tile the bathroom. I just don't freaking know.

So basically, out of laziness and the desire to abdicate my decision making responsibilities I want to be challenged. Laziness. Hmm. That sucks.

Did I just say that out loud?

Here's the truth.

I have voices in my head.

On the one hand, I am comforted because all the voices are my own but on the other, my voices talk to each other so in other words I talk to myself. Not a good sign. This happens to me a lot. I think this is why I have always tried to write. It helps to get the words out and down on paper. It quiets my mind, I guess.

Since I have gone back to work I don't blog. In addition, I have more things in any given day to talk to myself about since adding interaction with a whole slew of adults and teenagers to my daily agenda.

For example. I have a new co-worker. It is my job to train her and it is not going well. Every single day when I leave work I chat with myself about how it went and what I think worked and where I think some things may have gone wrong. Some days I will have this inner chat all evening -- while driving, cooking, cleaning, watching TV.

Another example. I have a friend. There are times when she or I will act irrationally towards the other. I will spend days discussing and dissecting every nuance of the interaction. With myself. In my head! Just to be clear. It is a real conversation. Multiple voices and perspectives. At times there can be as many as 5 me's in the debate!

The problem. My inner chat sessions are starting to bubble over. Just like a pot of boiling water after you add the noodles. You watch it boil closer and closer to the top. Bubbling, bubbling. Higher, higher. But with the pot, just before it reaches the top you can reach over and turn the stove down. Crisis averted! Not so with me. Several times in recent weeks one of my kids has said, "What? Mom, were you talking to me?" My response, "Uhhhhh, did I just say that out loud? Weird."

I'm losing control!

All this is to say....I think I am going to start blogging again.

Hello! My name is Michelle. Welcome to my conversation.

How did I get here?

I had a tubal ligation when I delivered Riley by C-section over 7 years ago. SEVEN! And yet I think I just came to the realization yesterday that I wouldn't be having any more babies. It made me really, really sad as I watched my LAST baby get her first big girl haircut. Sniffle. But seriously, I cried. It was pathetic.

I sat there trying to regain my composure by flipping through a magazine. As I did, I gazed upon famous people....with their toddlers! Awww, darn it. More sadness. One picture was a mom sitting "criss-cross applesauce" on the ground at the park with her daughter on her lap. Honestly, I used to love sitting like that with my toddlers...reading a book, watching television, blowing bubbles, picking "flowers" to tie together to make a necklace. (Insert reminiscent sigh here.)

Problem: I erroneously think I could still manage a baby because I tend to think I am younger than my actual age. Many of my (younger) friends are just having babies or talking about having babies or talking about maybe wanting to get married so they can start having babies. It breaks my heart because part of me wants to be right there with them. It's like because I live my life alongside theirs I sometimes feel like my life mirrors theirs as well. WRONG! Reality: I sat criss-cross on the floor playing with cars with my great-nephew over this past weekend and my legs went to sleep. For real! I had to wait 5 minutes for the numbness to wear off before I could stand! SUCK! STARK REALITY: I actually HAVE a great-nephew!! TWO in fact!!

Pfft!

I'm old.

It sucks.

It's 10 o'clock.

Past my bedtime.

Just Do It!

I am in the process of forcing myself to do things I sincerely have no desire to do. It's horrible and I hate it. I realize that I have been doing this for most of my adult life. Go to work, cook dinner, do the laundry, be polite, set a good example, eat my vegetables. Ew, peas. Remember trying to force yourself to eat vegetables you didn't want to eat when you were a kid? For me, eating peas resulted in crying, gagging, choking and in a few rare instances actual vomiting. Of course, this was the preferable choice as the other was getting punished (spanked) by mom or dad. I find I still have the same response to forced behavior -- crying, gagging, choking, vomiting.

It's exhausting! Part of my energy is going toward the activity (such as cleaning the bathroom), but an even larger part of my energy is spent resisting and resenting the activity! It's tiring. The resisting and resenting shows up in so many ways: procrastination, diversions like TV and computer, anger and depression. In contrast, when I do something I love I'm engaged and happy which results in joy, creativity and productivity.

So, the question. How do I just do it? I actually typed this question into Google. (man I love google) Here is what I have determined:

• First, I need to realize I will be happier in the long run if I just do the dreaded task. Having these things hanging over my head makes me feel drained and uneasy.

• Take it one day at a time. It might be one hour or one minute depending on the task. When I quit smoking there were days that definitely had that one minute at a time feel.

• Forgive yourself. When you fall off the horse, and most people will, you will jump back on quicker if you forgive yourself. Self talk is good. Self talk that offers forgiveness is awesome! "Michelle, it's ok. You knew this would be hard and it's okay to have a few setbacks. You can do it but only if you keep trying."

• Don't fear failure. Redefine it as feedback. Michael Jordan said (don't pass out because I am quoting a sports figure),

  "I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”

• Make yourself accountable. Not always possible but this may be the best idea for me since the only thing I hate more than failing is for you to know that I failed. Tell a partner, friend, mother or sibling what your plans are and ask them to hold you accountable.

• Fake it til you make it! Yes! I found this by googling. Love it! If I don't feel enthusiastic about my task then I need to fake it. Check.

• Do something you love while you're doing something you dread. For me, this equals a lot of music and a lot of dancing! Um, except at certain times of the month then it equals a lot of chips and salsa. Ahem.

Of course, this isn't a complete list but just a few tools for my arsenal. So, I am trying to work on my priorities since I feel like they are screwed up at the moment and hurting people who are closest to my heart. I'm asking you to hold me accountable. Ask me how it's going sometime and if I say "fine" you need to probe deeper.

One final tip I learned quite a while ago (before google!) ....ranch dressing makes peas go down much easier. :-)

5 Stages of Forgiveness

Recently I have been studying prayer specifically a devotional following the Lord's Prayer. Today I was contemplating, “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us” and had the realization that I hope God forgives me more readily than I forgive others.

As a Christian, I believe I have an obligation to forgive. In addition, I feel as though we should forgive as Jesus modeled for us in the gospels. In Matthew 18, Jesus tells Peter that he must forgive not seven but seventy times seven the brother who sins against him. Also, with Jesus, forgiveness is given instantly. In Luke 23:34, as he hung on the cross, Jesus said, “Father, forgive them…” His forgiveness of his executioners was immediate.

I am hesitant to admit that I do not offer forgiveness using this example. In fact, I feel like I frequently do the opposite. My first instinct is more like nursing a grudge, or getting sweet revenge, or spreading malicious gossip. Rarely is my first response to heap loving kindness on my offender. Christian or not, the call to forgiveness can be daunting.


When I feel hurt, rejected, or betrayed I don’t rush headlong into grace. For me, forgiveness is rarely one magnanimous gesture. Instead it rolls out in stages over time and looks a little something like this:

• Renouncing my Christianity – vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord??? Screw that…you’re going DOWN!!!
• Second guessing – and third and fourth and fifth. This is where I replay events over and over in my mind almost to the point of losing my sanity. I replay every nuance of the given situation, consider the tonal qualities of my offender’s voice and the resulting double entendre of their words, facial tics, stance, placement of hands…were their arms crossed, hands on the hips, gesturing wildly….you get the idea. This stage can last many weeks and is usually not conducive to working out forgiveness in my heart.
• Social amnesia – aka passive aggressive retribution. Women are really good at this and also really stupid about it. If I fight with my husband and then pretend like he doesn’t exist while I huff around the house throwing imaginary daggers at his back…he’s happy as a lark. He’s off the hook and can watch football uninterrupted, of course, because I am “ignoring” him. Women on the other hand don’t cherish the reprieve. They think to themselves – or say out loud to the closest warm body - ”that b*tch thinks she can ignore me!? Well….” usually followed by a description of her plans for retribution. This can often times turn into a vicious cycle of dramatic efforts to obtain one upmanship. Since I have recently been told I am competitive, I think I can admit that I strive for excellence in this arena.

At this point, I have probably spent the better part of a month with the drama consuming my waking moments. I’m tired and I’m over it. This is when I am able to move to the final stages of grace and forgiveness.

• Acknowledged Superiority – This refers to the realization that I am definitely the bigger person here and will just have to lower my standards to remain in friendship with you. You’re welcome.
• Reclamation – I’ve finally let it go cuz it takes just too much effort to hold on to it but I’m not gonna call it lazy and instead call it forgiveness therefore I can reclaim my status as a Christian who offers grace and forgiveness. Amen.
  
  

I say all this (partly) in jest because I know I need work in this area of my life. I am trying to make grace and forgiveness a focus in my spiritual walk. For now, I am far and away from Jesus’ example but I hope with prayer and petition, God will bring me closer to His will for me.

Comfort Deposits

I think sometimes the fact that I may need comfort is overlooked by the people around me. I'm the mom after all I am supposed to be doing the comforting, right? Once, a counselor spoke to me about thinking of my emotions as a bank. If people are making withdrawals, then I have to be conscious of balancing it out with deposits. In my life, people are constantly making withdrawals but today I had many deposits made into my account and I am so grateful. It also got me thinking about where my deposits generally come from and whether I can control these deposits or if I am reliant on others for their deposits into my emotional bank. So here is the short list of comfort measures I deem necessary for my bank:

FOOD

There is food and then there is comfort food. I know my favorites. First is Beef & Noodles over mashed potatoes with a dollop of butter for good measure. The second is a tie between cinnamon toast and graham crackers with butter. The key to comfort food is that it is nourishing food served in a nurturing environment. Nearly everyone has a comfort food with the definition of "my mom used to make it when I was a kid". For me that is mom's beef & noodles. Also, most have a "this is what I always have when I am sick" comfort food. My grandma always gave us graham crackers with butter when we would be home sick from school with her. I'm not sure if there was a verifiable medicinal truth to it but with a little ginger ale I was always feeling much better by afternoon. The love and caring that accompanied those dishes is part of the lasting appeal. The last....cinnamon toast I will forever correlate with my baby brother. We weren't allowed to use the stove or microwave but the toaster was not off limits. Many a Saturday morning was passed eating cinnamon toast and watching cartoons. I think we could demolish an entire loaf of bread between the two of us and we put so much cinnamon and sugar on it that it would sag in the middle when you picked it up! Just thinking about it brings warmth to my heart. Which leads to:

MEMORIES

If you ever want to see me smile ask me to recount a story about one of my kids. Without fail, I can go through my photo albums and peace just melts through me. That alone is the reason to put together a slide show of favorite pictures. But also, as I grow older I have lost family members and my kids are moving out and away, the memories are comforting because they help me remember why that person is special and important to me.


GOD / BIBLE

When I am suffering from illness or anxiety, loneliness or despair, when hope is most elusive, the Bible serves as my source of strength. The verses affirm my faith and give me comfort. A couple of go-to verses of mine:

Jeremiah 29:11-12 (NIV)
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.

Matthew 5:4 (NIV)
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

James 5:16 (NIV)
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

AND my all time favorite verse:

Phillipians 4:6 (NIV)
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.


MUSIC

I think everyone has an activity or hobby that gives them comfort such as running, gardening, or reading just to name a few. For me it's music. Any genre will do the trick usually. Even as I type this I am listening to Francesca. With this particular song, I am comforted by identifying with the lyrics, "Sometimes I believe that I can do anything, Yet other times I think I've got nothing good to bring". It is comforting to know others have my same thoughts and emotions to know I am not alone in my hope or misery whichever the case may be. However, I am equally uplifted by Britney Spears' Circus. Although I can sing the lyrics, "Well baby, I'm a put-on-a-show kind of girl, Don't like the backseat, gotta be first" with enough attitude you may believe I mean it it is the booty-shakin' beat of the music that makes me dance around my house increasing my serotonin which boosts my comfort and happiness.

And finally,

TOUCH

I realize just as I am writing this that touch is the only "deposit" that I can not control. This may be why I want this type of comfort over all others in times of distress. There is such thing as distal touch which means a touch to the hand or shoulder. I think this type of touch shows empathy and caring. Also, I think sitting near one another provides connection when one is feeling distant and I think holding hands is a show of affection towards one another. For me touching says "You are not alone. I am with you." No matter what my circumstance, I am comforted knowing I am not alone.


Not sure where I was really going with this post since I have been interrupted by numerous phone calls, texts, requests from a sick husband, spelling requests from the 7 year old making a get well card for said sick husband and an overall distraction caused by my overactive imagination wondering how a friend is faring in her effort to be brave this evening. I will just conclude by saying that I am happy to know that I have control over so many comfort measures. More importantly, I am overjoyed to know I have family and friends willing to make deposits for me when I am unable to take care of myself!

Facade

First let me say that I really wish I could put the cedilla under the "c" in facade. Just something lost when typing rather than writing. I used to keep journals. I loved to put pencil to paper. I love the written word, expression, communication! If you just said "What? What's a cedilla?" don't worry about it and keep reading.

I have just entered a whole new arena of acquaintances with the start of a new job. A whole group of people who know nothing about me. Is it just me or does anyone else consider the ramifications of letting people know personal stuff about you? It is very disconcerting to me at times. Mostly because I truly believe that I am odd....and boring. I have several times through my life when faced with this situation considered adopting a facade? I could make myself normal, my life exciting. I could change my personality traits!! The stupidity of this is that you could never sustain the lie for long. Eventually you would just look like a jerk and liar.

BUT! I have come up with what I consider a list of enviable traits that I would wear like an overcoat if I could. An overcoat because the truth is that I'm okay with the real me and would eventually want to take the coat off! Here's the list:

• intelligent
• carefree
  
• traveled
• thoughtful
• great housekeeper
• multilingual
• creative / artistic
  
• punctual
• a good cook
• disciplined
• well read
• open to criticism
• patient
• motivated

I may or may not be some or all of these things. But in my mind I am none of them. However, a few years ago a friend my own age died. It really shook me to my core. I thought about that person and the things I knew of him that I thought people would remember. He was awesome! Kind, giving, happy, smiling. A good friend, brother and uncle. He was all these wonderful things and more. It made me consider what would people remember of me and also what would I want people to remember of me if I could choose. Here is the list I made then:

• She was truly a woman of God
• She loved her family and friends
  
• She was devoted to her husband and children
  
• She was happy and kind
  
• She made me laugh

These are the attributes that I strive for daily instead of punctuality and a super tidy house. In recent months my list has expanded by two. In the Bible, Jesus only ever describes himself using two words. From Matthew 11:29, "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."

Yeah, I was gentle and humble and I made you smile. I'd be happy with that as a legacy.

Inspiration and 42

I turned 42 today...in fact, yesterday. I recently read a blog written by an obvious lover of facts and trivia and it spurred me into researching factoids concerning the number 42. Here are just a few:

• 42 degrees is the angle that light must reflect off of water to make a rainbow
• the are 42 generations from Abraham to Jesus
• 42 square miles make up Jerusalem
• 42 lines on each page of the Gutenberg Bible
  
• 42 dots on a pair of dice
• Statue of Liberty's right arm is 42 feet long
• Juliet slept for 42 hours in Romeo & Juliet

And for the win -

• the only 42 ever retired in Major League Baseball was that of Jackie Robinson who coincidentally shares the last name of the person who inspired me to write this little post!
  

I probably wouldn't have worked this up into a post except for that odd coincidence.

Here is my thought process after discovering that coincidence...."coincidence, really?, is there such thing as coincidence, is everything left to chance or nothing, is there predestination, are we on the path that was laid out for us prior to our existence by an omniscient God?, is this exactly what my 42 years were meant to be from the beginning, 42 years, 42, that's a long time, long, really long, sheesh now i'm tired, man I would love 42 hours of sleep."

Good night, Romeo.

No time to think.

Since I started back to work I haven't had much time to think about things. When I was at home I would ponder things, Mull things over, read bizarre tidbits on the internet and do random google follow up searches. These are the activities that usually led to my blog topics. So sadly, I haven't blogged in a while. The good thing is that I don't overthink things either like an argument with Arty or a backhanded remark made by someone at church (hmmm..what do you think she really meant by that).

The most interesting thought I've had is that I kinda miss myself. I miss that inner thought process, or dialogue, I used to have during the day. It feels kinda like I lost a friend. Does that make sense or does it make me sound schizo?

Oh well, no more time to think about it. Gotta get things done so I can get to bed at a decent hour. (A decent hour!? Did I just say that!?!) lol.

Perspective with 7 days to go

I had a horrible day yesterday. Ariele called crying and upset. Jill was sick and running a fever. Kayla -- happy as a lark...as usual! :) Oh how I envy Kayla her natural disposition. Ariele and I often make fun of Kayla because her happy-go-lucky attitude often presents itself as airheadedness or "blondeness" as we tease her. As if she is a dumb blonde. This couldn't be further from the truth. I truly envy her ability to always see the silver lining and focus on the happy and good in every situation. I adore her sweet soul and creative nature. I love that kid.

But Ariele being upset and Jill being sick really did a number on me. I was over the top anxious. By last night, I was just done. I think I must have even slept tense because when I woke up this morning, my muscles, back, neck, everything was just so sore. I worry WAY too much. I worry about things normal people don't worry about. I worry about things I can not change. If worrying were an Olympic sport, I'm sure I could be a gold medalist. I try, I really try to talk myself down or through it but my mind creates the most ridiculous scenarios and then I just can't let go of them. But today, God gave me a little perspective.

At 6am today my friends arrived at the hospital with their 4 year old deaf child for her scheduled open heart surgery. Seriously!? I am worried about my 3 girls who are 19, 14 and 10 hanging out at the beach with 6 adults. (7 if you count the adult that is my oldest child!) I feel ashamed that I was so wrapped up in my perceived stressful circumstance when they are having an ACTUAL crisis. I think about the past few days, lamenting my tiny worries to this woman who has been preparing for OPEN HEART SURGERY.

The word that comes to mind to describe myself: DOLT

The urban dictionary defines dolt as "A mental retard who is clueless not only about current events, but also has the IQ level of a rock." Yeah, it fits.

I'm sorry Al, I have not been a good friend. I'm praying for you guys and sending every good and strong vibe I have to little Q.

8 days to go

I am having physical symptoms of anxiety. Headache, inability to focus on a task, upset stomach, tiredness. But so far, I haven't had an actual breakdown.

The kids arrived safely in Florida this morning about 5:30am. Ariele called to let me know that Jill was complaining of a headache and upset stomach. I assume it is just overtiredness combined with car sickness and excitement. I'm praying that is all it is. On the plus side, more adults arrived just moments ago...one of them is the girls' aunt who is a nurse! Praises! That helps ease my mind and worry a tad!

Yesterday. I went auctioning but no treasures were found. Library. Found a book and a couple movies to help keep me occupied. Jaime. Went to visit and check out her new paint job. Looks good. Hung out and chatted for a couple hours too. Always fun and a great distraction. Dinner with Arty and Riley. Fish tacos - yummy! We stopped by a friend of Arty's birthday party. It was weird but okay. I can now count myself as one of those parents who took their young child to a kegger. I'm proud ;)

Today. We went to church. I wore a dress to try to cheer myself up. But then twin 2 year olds screamed in each of my ears for an hour and the mood was shot. Couldn't sit still thru Ken's sermon. I considered painting today...but then the rainy crappy day just shot my planned productivity to heck and I ended up watching TV for the past 3 hours while I reclined on the couch.

I miss the girls.

Riley is bored. (She has told me 10 times today at least)

Arty is, where else, in the basement.

I hope this isn't a peek into what the rest of the week will be like.

Over the top anxiety

So, the 3 Daniel girls left last night. They will be hitting the road with their dad today driving 18 hours to Florida where they will stay until next Sunday. I am freaking out just a little bit. Okay...a lot. My anxiety is 3-fold...

1st - I have never been away from Jillian for more than 2 days. This summer is the first time Kayla and I have been separated when she went to camp for a week so I'm still a newbie having her gone too. In all the years of our divorce, my ex has never executed his right to have the girls for 2 weeks in the summer. Not Ever. Not once in 10 years. So being separated from not 1 but 3 of my girls for all or part of 10 days I fear may be excruciating for me.

2nd - Safety. Their plan is to drive 18 hours straight through to Florida. I worry horribly about their safety. I worry about Ariele driving. I worry they won't wear their seatbelts. I'm worried they'll stop at a gas station and Kayla will go to the bathroom by herself. I'm worried about whoever drives at night staying awake. Plus, when they get there...I'm worried Jill won't wear a life jacket. I'm worried Kayla will get sunburned horribly. (I could go on and on and on!)

3rd - I worry about them visiting their dying grandfather. I have tried to prepare them for the situation. What they are going to see since Ed is in the advanced stages of lung cancer. He already has hospice, he starts radiation on Monday, he has oxygen in the home, etc. But I have also tried to prepare them for the feelings they will see and feel among their family members. Having had such a traumatic death experience when I was young and knowing how deeply affected I was I am truly worried about how my girls will process the events in the coming days....especially with only their dad to console and guide them through the experience.

Right now, I am so keyed up I actually have buzzing in my ears!

I know part of the plan needs to be distraction. It hasn't been just me and a single child since Ariele was 4! So I am trying to organize fun things for Riley and I to do since I don't have to consider the expense of me plus 7 kids! At the moment I am too overwhelmed with worry but I did manage to jot down a few ideas. Also, I plan to have a really clean house by next Sunday! In addition, I am hoping to paint at least 1 bedroom this week...hopefully 3 bedrooms and 1 bathroom. We'll see how that goes!

So it begins. 10 days.

Dear God, please watch over my kids as they travel (Seadon too - she is going to New York with her mom), be with them through this week and bring them home safely. Also, please be with Ed and Linda and all of their family and friends. I pray that Ed believes in You, our Lord, and that he will be at peace in Your kingdom. I pray for Linda that she will have family and friends around her to help and that you will be with her as she struggles through this difficult time and the loss of her husband. Amen.

Four Decades!?!?

I was sitting here this morning looking through pictures my kids posted from our trip to the Royals game last night. They are great! I had such a good time hanging out at the K with my girls while Arty watched the game (and we sorta watched the game). Of course, the only runs the Royals scored happened while I was off with the girls in search of ice cream so we missed all 3 runs!! The guys behind us offered to buy us ice cream again if I would just get up and leave for 20 minutes....the thinking being us gone was lucky!

I so appreciate the times I get to just hang out with my kids. It is just simple happiness. I realize I started being a mom nearly 20 years ago. Wow! Where has the time gone! By the time Riley goes to college I will be in my mid-fifties! That means I will have been a mother in my 20's, 30's, 40's and 50's! 4 decades of motherhood! I think many women would hear that and groan, pity me or both. The truth is, I love it. I love that I will probably be a grandmother before Riley is in college. I will never be lost for young people in my life and that is just the way I want it. I don't think in my 20's you could have convinced me to make this plan for my life. I would have been one of those women groaning at the thought of it. Although some days it may feel like chaos, the trade off is love, joy, silliness, camaraderie, friendship, intimacy and happiness. And I get four decades!

Sister Sister

I just got home today after spending a wonderful 1 day-2 night girls' weekend at Lake of the Ozarks. It was an amazingly good time. I got to ride in the biggest, nicest boat I have ever ridden in in my life. (Thanks Teri & Jay!) I spent hours on my paddleboard. The solitude and scenery of those hours was incredible. I spent time with friends and family eating, drinking, talking, playing games (which I won!) and having a generally wonderful time. I am so happy for the opportunity to recharge! But the most incredible gift came when I got home.

I grew up with 3 brothers and my entire life watched with interest my mom and her 4 sisters. Sisters are not like brothers. My mom and her sisters go to dinners, celebrate birthdays, take vacations, play bingo and talk on the phone. This is not the case with brothers! Now that I have 6 daughters of my own, I find myself imagining, with envy, the potential relationships they have the opportunity to build as they grow. But! many days, the way they get along, I'm just certain they are going to move to the 6 corners of the universe, never speak to each other, and have me spend my golden years endlessly traveling to and fro to visit grandchildren.

This weekend was a huge ray of hope. My girls pulled together and took care of each other in my absence (and took care of dad who is working 20 hours a day to bring a project in on time.) They went to the pool together. They watched movies curled up in my bed together. Ariele shuttled Riley to and from a birthday party. They all piled in Ariele's car again on Saturday night and went to Dairy Queen - one last hurrah before Mom came home on Sunday. It felt like a gift when Ariele told me how much she loves her sisters and how much fun she had with them this weekend. She said "we were all in the car headed to DQ and a Taylor Swift song came on and everyone was singing at the top of their lungs, even Riley, and I looked around and just thought my sisters are so cute". She said, "it just made me smile." She doesn't know it but I nearly cried in that moment. Then when I asked the younger girls how their weekend was Jillian was the first to answer and she said, "Ariele is the most awesomest sister ever! We went to the pool ALL DAY Saturday!!" Then my dear, tired as heck husband told me how Kayla and Seadon busted butt all weekend making meals, doing dishes...they even vacuumed and mopped the floors!

I am going to bed tonight sunburned and relaxed from a nice restful weekend at the lake. Which is more than I could hope for. But beyond that, I am going to bed with a heart bursting with pride and happiness for my wonderful family and the blessing they are to my life! Thank you, God, for the life I often feel I don't deserve. I am truly grateful.