Finding time in the mundane.

I had the opportunity in Sunday school class to get insight from parents who raised some pretty terrific kids. They were the parents of my dear friends Shon and Jenny Yust. Our discussion was regarding how to focus more time on family. There were 2 things that I don't want to forget so I decided to blog about it.



1. Find time in the mundane tasks. This isn't how Jen's dad said it but it was how I took it. He talked about how growing up on a farm whenever he had to go to town he'd grab a kid or two and load them up in the truck and take them along for the ride. He talked about the conversations and the things he would learn during those moments. He also shared how sometimes they would play games or use imagination to pretend their truck was an airplane and they were headed to a far away land instead of the feed store!

It made me think of how I always try to figure out how to run my errands without kids. How my focus is almost always on how much faster I could get things done if I could just go by myself. In the past, I have waited and gone to the grocery store at 11 o'clock at night just to be able to go alone.



2. Finding hobbies to do together.

Arty and I couldn't think of a hobby for which we both share a passion we could share with our kids.


I welled up with emotion when Shon's dad shared that his children are his single greatest accomplishment. If he had one regret, it was that he didn't spend more time with his kids. Even more specifically, he wished he had spent more time having FUN with his kids.


I want to find moments to share with my girls in the mundane tasks of my life. I want to find hobbies and activities to share together. And most important, I want to always feel grateful for my family and believe they are my greatest accomplishment.


It was a good weekend. I had fun with my husband and kids.

Anniversary and Socrates

“He who is not contented with what he has, would not be contented with what he would like to have” ~Socrates

Today is my anniversary and I have been reflecting on my relationship, marriage, life. I am very content with my life. Don't get me wrong. There are days when I think about making a larger contribution to society or about earning the self-affirming paycheck but overall I am quite happy. Think about that. I am at home and Arty works at home. We are essentially with each other 24 hours a day 7 days a week. And, it has been this way for over 7 years and I love it! I feel blessed being home and seeing my kids off to school in the morning and being here when they get home in the afternoon.

But life changes even when you don't want it to. Last year my baby started kindergarten and my first born headed off to college. My 2 other big kids have moved out permanently into their own apartments. It is a difficult process accepting these changes as necessary and good. In addition, I have been thinking about changes I would "like" to happen. Do I want to work outside the home? can I find a job that fits around the kids' schedules? do I want a job or a career? should I try to go back to school? what exactly would I enjoy doing?

It is difficult for me not to have all the answers. To feel no control over my future. But life is uncertain. That may be the only thing in I’m certain about. What I work to make happen down the road may not happen. Therefore I think giving up too much of the good stuff that lies in front of me every day (time with my family) isn’t necessarily the most intelligent trade off in the world. It all goes by too quickly already. It's good for me to think about what I want but I think Socrates is reminding me to love, cherish, nourish and be grateful for what I’ve got.

I'll end with another Socrates -

“Our prayers should be for blessings in general, for God knows best what is good for us.”

Overclaiming

I picked up a psychology term today: “unconscious overclaiming.” It’s certainly something I’m guilty of. “Unconscious overclaiming” is the phenomenon in which we unconsciously overestimate our contributions or skills relative to other people’s.

This makes sense, because we’re far more aware of what we do than what other people do. I complain about the time I spend cooking and doing dishes, but I overlook the time my husband spends paying bills or dealing with our cars. Also, we tend to concentrate our efforts in the areas that we think are important, so we think our contributions are the more valuable.

It’s easy to see how overclaiming can lead you to an inflated sense of your contribution, and from there, to resentment. Now that I’ve learned about unconscious overclaiming, when I find myself thinking, “I’m the only one around here who bothers to…” or “Why do I always have to be the one who…?” I can try to remind myself of all the tasks I don’t do.

In the article I was reading it discussed a survey where 80% of respondents put themselves in the top 30% of all drivers. Teehee.

Currently I am thinking of the people I know who are SO guilty of overclaiming but would never realize or admit it is something they do. Example: My daughter living at college has 3 roommates. She is constantly complaining about 2 of the girls. Based solely on my daughters recitation of events, all 3 girls (mine included) are overclaimers. "I always clean the bathroom, I always replace the water, I have never done that, You always leave your dishes in the sink". It has led to so much anger and resentment. I think, overclaiming occurs not just in acts we perform but also intelligence, spirituality, enlightenment, emotion, skill, performance, in fact, in nearly everything. It is good to have a strong sense of self but be careful not to become a self-centered, egotistical ass. ahem.

The fact remains though....

I am definitely in the top 30% of all drivers.

Step vs. Adopted

I had lunch with a friend yesterday. She has one very adorable toddler whom she adopted from China over a year ago. We discussed and compared the adaptation required in both adoption and blending steps. It was such an interesting conversation.

There are so many emotions that have not felt natural to me during my 10 years as a step parent. In fact, I refer to them as my dark place because I feel so wrong sometimes in the way I think and behave. The question we volleyed was, "Do you feel the same about your step-child as you do your bio child?" (in her family adopted vs. bio) This wasn't a light conversation - probably my first ever 3 hour lunch!

The result for me was No. The result for her was Not Yet but I feel it changing and have complete faith the answer will be Yes. For me, saying No is "the dark place". I feel like I should love my husband's children as much as I love my own. They have been my stepkids since they were 12, 10 and 4. I feel like after 10 years of raising, loving, disciplining, etc. alongside my own 4 they should all feel the same, right? No. And every time I say No I feel like I must have a defect somehow.

Without going into all the details this is what I think I gleaned from our conversation. Allie is Q's mom. Her only mom...well, the only mom that will kiss boo-boo's and bake cookies and cheer from the sidelines at all her accomplishments. I will never be my step-kids' mom. They have a mom. There will always be confusion about loyalty, boundaries, responsibility, rights, feelings and many other things. That confusion is exactly what creates that chasm keeping me from "owning" them as my children and them from "owning" me as their mom.

As much as this seems to make sense, I still feel like I must be doing something wrong to feel this way.