Anniversary and Socrates

“He who is not contented with what he has, would not be contented with what he would like to have” ~Socrates

Today is my anniversary and I have been reflecting on my relationship, marriage, life. I am very content with my life. Don't get me wrong. There are days when I think about making a larger contribution to society or about earning the self-affirming paycheck but overall I am quite happy. Think about that. I am at home and Arty works at home. We are essentially with each other 24 hours a day 7 days a week. And, it has been this way for over 7 years and I love it! I feel blessed being home and seeing my kids off to school in the morning and being here when they get home in the afternoon.

But life changes even when you don't want it to. Last year my baby started kindergarten and my first born headed off to college. My 2 other big kids have moved out permanently into their own apartments. It is a difficult process accepting these changes as necessary and good. In addition, I have been thinking about changes I would "like" to happen. Do I want to work outside the home? can I find a job that fits around the kids' schedules? do I want a job or a career? should I try to go back to school? what exactly would I enjoy doing?

It is difficult for me not to have all the answers. To feel no control over my future. But life is uncertain. That may be the only thing in I’m certain about. What I work to make happen down the road may not happen. Therefore I think giving up too much of the good stuff that lies in front of me every day (time with my family) isn’t necessarily the most intelligent trade off in the world. It all goes by too quickly already. It's good for me to think about what I want but I think Socrates is reminding me to love, cherish, nourish and be grateful for what I’ve got.

I'll end with another Socrates -

“Our prayers should be for blessings in general, for God knows best what is good for us.”

SAHM

I think stay-at-home moms are pitied. Women and men alike wonder how it is possible that a woman whose job it is to keep house and raise children can have no other ambition. How can we not want to be outside the home "having a career and a life". How can we have no desire to earn an income so that more "stuff" can be bought. In many cases, single income families have to scrimp and budget (do without more stuff) to be able to live on that single income. I find myself being defensive whenever the subject of my employment is brought up. I go on about the "sacrifice" I make to raise responsible, respectful children. But most times I also find it difficult to explain what makes it so worthwhile to me.

So I was thinking about this and here is what I came up with. I always allude to this big sacrifice. As if I have ambition and I am giving it all up to raise my kids. Truth is, there is no sacrifice. I love my children, yes. But it is so much more than that. Do you love your job? Do the people you work with show up every day happy to be there? Excited to start a new day? In my opinion, children are happy and grown-ups are not. You think to yourself, of course children are happy...they don't have to work, pay bills, watch what they eat, etc. True. But when was the last time you got pure joy watching a fluffy bunny hop across your front yard? When you walk past your flowers in the spring are they just SO beautiful to you that you have to pick just one? When is the last time you made a free throw and danced around your driveway like you just won the championship game?

These are the things that lead to my job satisfaction. I would be truly miserable to know that I missed out on my chance to be their witness . My kids don't want to go to sleep at night. They are ready to get up in the morning. They play games! They love to pretend. Have you ever watched a bunch of little girls "playing house". There are no rules. All the kids are making it up as they go and it just works! Kids also know they don't know it all. They enjoy finding out they don't know something and learning about it. Ever watch a little boy walk through a field or down a creek bed? It is a wonderland of things to discover! As adults, we can not easily admit we are wrong or unknowledgeable...especially at our jobs! The most exciting thing is seeing old things through young eyes. My kids don't take things for granted and they appreciate the little things. But even more exciting is they appreciate the big things adults seem to ignore. For example, the seasons. Do you excitedly wait for that first snowflake so you can run out and make angels? My kids love the rain and carrying umbrellas. It makes Jill feel "fancy"! LOL. How about you? Are you excited to feel fancy carrying an umbrella or are you just thinking about how it will make you late for work? They get joy in the sunny days that they can spend outside at the park or in the pool.

Fortunately, I realize that my days are numbered so I am holding on tightly to my ambition which is to be a SAHM (stay-at-home mom.) I get to witness my kids' amazement as they discover this world. The day they become adults and are too embarrassed or too busy to drop and make a snow angel after that first dusting of snow comes way too quickly. I'm HAPPY to be at my job today. How about you?

Overclaiming

I picked up a psychology term today: “unconscious overclaiming.” It’s certainly something I’m guilty of. “Unconscious overclaiming” is the phenomenon in which we unconsciously overestimate our contributions or skills relative to other people’s.

This makes sense, because we’re far more aware of what we do than what other people do. I complain about the time I spend cooking and doing dishes, but I overlook the time my husband spends paying bills or dealing with our cars. Also, we tend to concentrate our efforts in the areas that we think are important, so we think our contributions are the more valuable.

It’s easy to see how overclaiming can lead you to an inflated sense of your contribution, and from there, to resentment. Now that I’ve learned about unconscious overclaiming, when I find myself thinking, “I’m the only one around here who bothers to…” or “Why do I always have to be the one who…?” I can try to remind myself of all the tasks I don’t do.

In the article I was reading it discussed a survey where 80% of respondents put themselves in the top 30% of all drivers. Teehee.

Currently I am thinking of the people I know who are SO guilty of overclaiming but would never realize or admit it is something they do. Example: My daughter living at college has 3 roommates. She is constantly complaining about 2 of the girls. Based solely on my daughters recitation of events, all 3 girls (mine included) are overclaimers. "I always clean the bathroom, I always replace the water, I have never done that, You always leave your dishes in the sink". It has led to so much anger and resentment. I think, overclaiming occurs not just in acts we perform but also intelligence, spirituality, enlightenment, emotion, skill, performance, in fact, in nearly everything. It is good to have a strong sense of self but be careful not to become a self-centered, egotistical ass. ahem.

The fact remains though....

I am definitely in the top 30% of all drivers.

Step vs. Adopted

I had lunch with a friend yesterday. She has one very adorable toddler whom she adopted from China over a year ago. We discussed and compared the adaptation required in both adoption and blending steps. It was such an interesting conversation.

There are so many emotions that have not felt natural to me during my 10 years as a step parent. In fact, I refer to them as my dark place because I feel so wrong sometimes in the way I think and behave. The question we volleyed was, "Do you feel the same about your step-child as you do your bio child?" (in her family adopted vs. bio) This wasn't a light conversation - probably my first ever 3 hour lunch!

The result for me was No. The result for her was Not Yet but I feel it changing and have complete faith the answer will be Yes. For me, saying No is "the dark place". I feel like I should love my husband's children as much as I love my own. They have been my stepkids since they were 12, 10 and 4. I feel like after 10 years of raising, loving, disciplining, etc. alongside my own 4 they should all feel the same, right? No. And every time I say No I feel like I must have a defect somehow.

Without going into all the details this is what I think I gleaned from our conversation. Allie is Q's mom. Her only mom...well, the only mom that will kiss boo-boo's and bake cookies and cheer from the sidelines at all her accomplishments. I will never be my step-kids' mom. They have a mom. There will always be confusion about loyalty, boundaries, responsibility, rights, feelings and many other things. That confusion is exactly what creates that chasm keeping me from "owning" them as my children and them from "owning" me as their mom.

As much as this seems to make sense, I still feel like I must be doing something wrong to feel this way.