Just Do It!

I am in the process of forcing myself to do things I sincerely have no desire to do. It's horrible and I hate it. I realize that I have been doing this for most of my adult life. Go to work, cook dinner, do the laundry, be polite, set a good example, eat my vegetables. Ew, peas. Remember trying to force yourself to eat vegetables you didn't want to eat when you were a kid? For me, eating peas resulted in crying, gagging, choking and in a few rare instances actual vomiting. Of course, this was the preferable choice as the other was getting punished (spanked) by mom or dad. I find I still have the same response to forced behavior -- crying, gagging, choking, vomiting.

It's exhausting! Part of my energy is going toward the activity (such as cleaning the bathroom), but an even larger part of my energy is spent resisting and resenting the activity! It's tiring. The resisting and resenting shows up in so many ways: procrastination, diversions like TV and computer, anger and depression. In contrast, when I do something I love I'm engaged and happy which results in joy, creativity and productivity.

So, the question. How do I just do it? I actually typed this question into Google. (man I love google) Here is what I have determined:

• First, I need to realize I will be happier in the long run if I just do the dreaded task. Having these things hanging over my head makes me feel drained and uneasy.

• Take it one day at a time. It might be one hour or one minute depending on the task. When I quit smoking there were days that definitely had that one minute at a time feel.

• Forgive yourself. When you fall off the horse, and most people will, you will jump back on quicker if you forgive yourself. Self talk is good. Self talk that offers forgiveness is awesome! "Michelle, it's ok. You knew this would be hard and it's okay to have a few setbacks. You can do it but only if you keep trying."

• Don't fear failure. Redefine it as feedback. Michael Jordan said (don't pass out because I am quoting a sports figure),

  "I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”

• Make yourself accountable. Not always possible but this may be the best idea for me since the only thing I hate more than failing is for you to know that I failed. Tell a partner, friend, mother or sibling what your plans are and ask them to hold you accountable.

• Fake it til you make it! Yes! I found this by googling. Love it! If I don't feel enthusiastic about my task then I need to fake it. Check.

• Do something you love while you're doing something you dread. For me, this equals a lot of music and a lot of dancing! Um, except at certain times of the month then it equals a lot of chips and salsa. Ahem.

Of course, this isn't a complete list but just a few tools for my arsenal. So, I am trying to work on my priorities since I feel like they are screwed up at the moment and hurting people who are closest to my heart. I'm asking you to hold me accountable. Ask me how it's going sometime and if I say "fine" you need to probe deeper.

One final tip I learned quite a while ago (before google!) ....ranch dressing makes peas go down much easier. :-)

5 Stages of Forgiveness

Recently I have been studying prayer specifically a devotional following the Lord's Prayer. Today I was contemplating, “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us” and had the realization that I hope God forgives me more readily than I forgive others.

As a Christian, I believe I have an obligation to forgive. In addition, I feel as though we should forgive as Jesus modeled for us in the gospels. In Matthew 18, Jesus tells Peter that he must forgive not seven but seventy times seven the brother who sins against him. Also, with Jesus, forgiveness is given instantly. In Luke 23:34, as he hung on the cross, Jesus said, “Father, forgive them…” His forgiveness of his executioners was immediate.

I am hesitant to admit that I do not offer forgiveness using this example. In fact, I feel like I frequently do the opposite. My first instinct is more like nursing a grudge, or getting sweet revenge, or spreading malicious gossip. Rarely is my first response to heap loving kindness on my offender. Christian or not, the call to forgiveness can be daunting.


When I feel hurt, rejected, or betrayed I don’t rush headlong into grace. For me, forgiveness is rarely one magnanimous gesture. Instead it rolls out in stages over time and looks a little something like this:

• Renouncing my Christianity – vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord??? Screw that…you’re going DOWN!!!
• Second guessing – and third and fourth and fifth. This is where I replay events over and over in my mind almost to the point of losing my sanity. I replay every nuance of the given situation, consider the tonal qualities of my offender’s voice and the resulting double entendre of their words, facial tics, stance, placement of hands…were their arms crossed, hands on the hips, gesturing wildly….you get the idea. This stage can last many weeks and is usually not conducive to working out forgiveness in my heart.
• Social amnesia – aka passive aggressive retribution. Women are really good at this and also really stupid about it. If I fight with my husband and then pretend like he doesn’t exist while I huff around the house throwing imaginary daggers at his back…he’s happy as a lark. He’s off the hook and can watch football uninterrupted, of course, because I am “ignoring” him. Women on the other hand don’t cherish the reprieve. They think to themselves – or say out loud to the closest warm body - ”that b*tch thinks she can ignore me!? Well….” usually followed by a description of her plans for retribution. This can often times turn into a vicious cycle of dramatic efforts to obtain one upmanship. Since I have recently been told I am competitive, I think I can admit that I strive for excellence in this arena.

At this point, I have probably spent the better part of a month with the drama consuming my waking moments. I’m tired and I’m over it. This is when I am able to move to the final stages of grace and forgiveness.

• Acknowledged Superiority – This refers to the realization that I am definitely the bigger person here and will just have to lower my standards to remain in friendship with you. You’re welcome.
• Reclamation – I’ve finally let it go cuz it takes just too much effort to hold on to it but I’m not gonna call it lazy and instead call it forgiveness therefore I can reclaim my status as a Christian who offers grace and forgiveness. Amen.
  
  

I say all this (partly) in jest because I know I need work in this area of my life. I am trying to make grace and forgiveness a focus in my spiritual walk. For now, I am far and away from Jesus’ example but I hope with prayer and petition, God will bring me closer to His will for me.

Comfort Deposits

I think sometimes the fact that I may need comfort is overlooked by the people around me. I'm the mom after all I am supposed to be doing the comforting, right? Once, a counselor spoke to me about thinking of my emotions as a bank. If people are making withdrawals, then I have to be conscious of balancing it out with deposits. In my life, people are constantly making withdrawals but today I had many deposits made into my account and I am so grateful. It also got me thinking about where my deposits generally come from and whether I can control these deposits or if I am reliant on others for their deposits into my emotional bank. So here is the short list of comfort measures I deem necessary for my bank:

FOOD

There is food and then there is comfort food. I know my favorites. First is Beef & Noodles over mashed potatoes with a dollop of butter for good measure. The second is a tie between cinnamon toast and graham crackers with butter. The key to comfort food is that it is nourishing food served in a nurturing environment. Nearly everyone has a comfort food with the definition of "my mom used to make it when I was a kid". For me that is mom's beef & noodles. Also, most have a "this is what I always have when I am sick" comfort food. My grandma always gave us graham crackers with butter when we would be home sick from school with her. I'm not sure if there was a verifiable medicinal truth to it but with a little ginger ale I was always feeling much better by afternoon. The love and caring that accompanied those dishes is part of the lasting appeal. The last....cinnamon toast I will forever correlate with my baby brother. We weren't allowed to use the stove or microwave but the toaster was not off limits. Many a Saturday morning was passed eating cinnamon toast and watching cartoons. I think we could demolish an entire loaf of bread between the two of us and we put so much cinnamon and sugar on it that it would sag in the middle when you picked it up! Just thinking about it brings warmth to my heart. Which leads to:

MEMORIES

If you ever want to see me smile ask me to recount a story about one of my kids. Without fail, I can go through my photo albums and peace just melts through me. That alone is the reason to put together a slide show of favorite pictures. But also, as I grow older I have lost family members and my kids are moving out and away, the memories are comforting because they help me remember why that person is special and important to me.


GOD / BIBLE

When I am suffering from illness or anxiety, loneliness or despair, when hope is most elusive, the Bible serves as my source of strength. The verses affirm my faith and give me comfort. A couple of go-to verses of mine:

Jeremiah 29:11-12 (NIV)
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.

Matthew 5:4 (NIV)
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

James 5:16 (NIV)
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

AND my all time favorite verse:

Phillipians 4:6 (NIV)
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.


MUSIC

I think everyone has an activity or hobby that gives them comfort such as running, gardening, or reading just to name a few. For me it's music. Any genre will do the trick usually. Even as I type this I am listening to Francesca. With this particular song, I am comforted by identifying with the lyrics, "Sometimes I believe that I can do anything, Yet other times I think I've got nothing good to bring". It is comforting to know others have my same thoughts and emotions to know I am not alone in my hope or misery whichever the case may be. However, I am equally uplifted by Britney Spears' Circus. Although I can sing the lyrics, "Well baby, I'm a put-on-a-show kind of girl, Don't like the backseat, gotta be first" with enough attitude you may believe I mean it it is the booty-shakin' beat of the music that makes me dance around my house increasing my serotonin which boosts my comfort and happiness.

And finally,

TOUCH

I realize just as I am writing this that touch is the only "deposit" that I can not control. This may be why I want this type of comfort over all others in times of distress. There is such thing as distal touch which means a touch to the hand or shoulder. I think this type of touch shows empathy and caring. Also, I think sitting near one another provides connection when one is feeling distant and I think holding hands is a show of affection towards one another. For me touching says "You are not alone. I am with you." No matter what my circumstance, I am comforted knowing I am not alone.


Not sure where I was really going with this post since I have been interrupted by numerous phone calls, texts, requests from a sick husband, spelling requests from the 7 year old making a get well card for said sick husband and an overall distraction caused by my overactive imagination wondering how a friend is faring in her effort to be brave this evening. I will just conclude by saying that I am happy to know that I have control over so many comfort measures. More importantly, I am overjoyed to know I have family and friends willing to make deposits for me when I am unable to take care of myself!

Facade

First let me say that I really wish I could put the cedilla under the "c" in facade. Just something lost when typing rather than writing. I used to keep journals. I loved to put pencil to paper. I love the written word, expression, communication! If you just said "What? What's a cedilla?" don't worry about it and keep reading.

I have just entered a whole new arena of acquaintances with the start of a new job. A whole group of people who know nothing about me. Is it just me or does anyone else consider the ramifications of letting people know personal stuff about you? It is very disconcerting to me at times. Mostly because I truly believe that I am odd....and boring. I have several times through my life when faced with this situation considered adopting a facade? I could make myself normal, my life exciting. I could change my personality traits!! The stupidity of this is that you could never sustain the lie for long. Eventually you would just look like a jerk and liar.

BUT! I have come up with what I consider a list of enviable traits that I would wear like an overcoat if I could. An overcoat because the truth is that I'm okay with the real me and would eventually want to take the coat off! Here's the list:

• intelligent
• carefree
  
• traveled
• thoughtful
• great housekeeper
• multilingual
• creative / artistic
  
• punctual
• a good cook
• disciplined
• well read
• open to criticism
• patient
• motivated

I may or may not be some or all of these things. But in my mind I am none of them. However, a few years ago a friend my own age died. It really shook me to my core. I thought about that person and the things I knew of him that I thought people would remember. He was awesome! Kind, giving, happy, smiling. A good friend, brother and uncle. He was all these wonderful things and more. It made me consider what would people remember of me and also what would I want people to remember of me if I could choose. Here is the list I made then:

• She was truly a woman of God
• She loved her family and friends
  
• She was devoted to her husband and children
  
• She was happy and kind
  
• She made me laugh

These are the attributes that I strive for daily instead of punctuality and a super tidy house. In recent months my list has expanded by two. In the Bible, Jesus only ever describes himself using two words. From Matthew 11:29, "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."

Yeah, I was gentle and humble and I made you smile. I'd be happy with that as a legacy.

Inspiration and 42

I turned 42 today...in fact, yesterday. I recently read a blog written by an obvious lover of facts and trivia and it spurred me into researching factoids concerning the number 42. Here are just a few:

• 42 degrees is the angle that light must reflect off of water to make a rainbow
• the are 42 generations from Abraham to Jesus
• 42 square miles make up Jerusalem
• 42 lines on each page of the Gutenberg Bible
  
• 42 dots on a pair of dice
• Statue of Liberty's right arm is 42 feet long
• Juliet slept for 42 hours in Romeo & Juliet

And for the win -

• the only 42 ever retired in Major League Baseball was that of Jackie Robinson who coincidentally shares the last name of the person who inspired me to write this little post!
  

I probably wouldn't have worked this up into a post except for that odd coincidence.

Here is my thought process after discovering that coincidence...."coincidence, really?, is there such thing as coincidence, is everything left to chance or nothing, is there predestination, are we on the path that was laid out for us prior to our existence by an omniscient God?, is this exactly what my 42 years were meant to be from the beginning, 42 years, 42, that's a long time, long, really long, sheesh now i'm tired, man I would love 42 hours of sleep."

Good night, Romeo.

No time to think.

Since I started back to work I haven't had much time to think about things. When I was at home I would ponder things, Mull things over, read bizarre tidbits on the internet and do random google follow up searches. These are the activities that usually led to my blog topics. So sadly, I haven't blogged in a while. The good thing is that I don't overthink things either like an argument with Arty or a backhanded remark made by someone at church (hmmm..what do you think she really meant by that).

The most interesting thought I've had is that I kinda miss myself. I miss that inner thought process, or dialogue, I used to have during the day. It feels kinda like I lost a friend. Does that make sense or does it make me sound schizo?

Oh well, no more time to think about it. Gotta get things done so I can get to bed at a decent hour. (A decent hour!? Did I just say that!?!) lol.

Perspective with 7 days to go

I had a horrible day yesterday. Ariele called crying and upset. Jill was sick and running a fever. Kayla -- happy as a lark...as usual! :) Oh how I envy Kayla her natural disposition. Ariele and I often make fun of Kayla because her happy-go-lucky attitude often presents itself as airheadedness or "blondeness" as we tease her. As if she is a dumb blonde. This couldn't be further from the truth. I truly envy her ability to always see the silver lining and focus on the happy and good in every situation. I adore her sweet soul and creative nature. I love that kid.

But Ariele being upset and Jill being sick really did a number on me. I was over the top anxious. By last night, I was just done. I think I must have even slept tense because when I woke up this morning, my muscles, back, neck, everything was just so sore. I worry WAY too much. I worry about things normal people don't worry about. I worry about things I can not change. If worrying were an Olympic sport, I'm sure I could be a gold medalist. I try, I really try to talk myself down or through it but my mind creates the most ridiculous scenarios and then I just can't let go of them. But today, God gave me a little perspective.

At 6am today my friends arrived at the hospital with their 4 year old deaf child for her scheduled open heart surgery. Seriously!? I am worried about my 3 girls who are 19, 14 and 10 hanging out at the beach with 6 adults. (7 if you count the adult that is my oldest child!) I feel ashamed that I was so wrapped up in my perceived stressful circumstance when they are having an ACTUAL crisis. I think about the past few days, lamenting my tiny worries to this woman who has been preparing for OPEN HEART SURGERY.

The word that comes to mind to describe myself: DOLT

The urban dictionary defines dolt as "A mental retard who is clueless not only about current events, but also has the IQ level of a rock." Yeah, it fits.

I'm sorry Al, I have not been a good friend. I'm praying for you guys and sending every good and strong vibe I have to little Q.