Recently I have been studying prayer specifically a devotional following the Lord's Prayer. Today I was contemplating, “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us” and had the realization that I hope God forgives me more readily than I forgive others.
As a Christian, I believe I have an obligation to forgive. In addition, I feel as though we should forgive as Jesus modeled for us in the gospels. In Matthew 18, Jesus tells Peter that he must forgive not seven but seventy times seven the brother who sins against him. Also, with Jesus, forgiveness is given instantly. In Luke 23:34, as he hung on the cross, Jesus said, “Father, forgive them…” His forgiveness of his executioners was immediate.
I am hesitant to admit that I do not offer forgiveness using this example. In fact, I feel like I frequently do the opposite. My first instinct is more like nursing a grudge, or getting sweet revenge, or spreading malicious gossip. Rarely is my first response to heap loving kindness on my offender. Christian or not, the call to forgiveness can be daunting.
When I feel hurt, rejected, or betrayed I don’t rush headlong into grace. For me, forgiveness is rarely one magnanimous gesture. Instead it rolls out in stages over time and looks a little something like this:
- Renouncing my Christianity – vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord??? Screw that…you’re going DOWN!!!
- Second guessing – and third and fourth and fifth. This is where I replay events over and over in my mind almost to the point of losing my sanity. I replay every nuance of the given situation, consider the tonal qualities of my offender’s voice and the resulting double entendre of their words, facial tics, stance, placement of hands…were their arms crossed, hands on the hips, gesturing wildly….you get the idea. This stage can last many weeks and is usually not conducive to working out forgiveness in my heart.
- Social amnesia – aka passive aggressive retribution. Women are really good at this and also really stupid about it. If I fight with my husband and then pretend like he doesn’t exist while I huff around the house throwing imaginary daggers at his back…he’s happy as a lark. He’s off the hook and can watch football uninterrupted, of course, because I am “ignoring” him. Women on the other hand don’t cherish the reprieve. They think to themselves – or say out loud to the closest warm body - ”that b*tch thinks she can ignore me!? Well….” usually followed by a description of her plans for retribution. This can often times turn into a vicious cycle of dramatic efforts to obtain one upmanship. Since I have recently been told I am competitive, I think I can admit that I strive for excellence in this arena.
At this point, I have probably spent the better part of a month with the drama consuming my waking moments. I’m tired and I’m over it. This is when I am able to move to the final stages of grace and forgiveness.
- Acknowledged Superiority – This refers to the realization that I am definitely the bigger person here and will just have to lower my standards to remain in friendship with you. You’re welcome.
- Reclamation – I’ve finally let it go cuz it takes just too much effort to hold on to it but I’m not gonna call it lazy and instead call it forgiveness therefore I can reclaim my status as a Christian who offers grace and forgiveness. Amen.
I say all this (partly) in jest because I know I need work in this area of my life. I am trying to make grace and forgiveness a focus in my spiritual walk. For now, I am far and away from Jesus’ example but I hope with prayer and petition, God will bring me closer to His will for me.
